ME jokes
Imagine a dragon 🤔.
Imagine me dragging these nuts across your face.
Friend: Name one gay person off the top of your head.
Me: Me.
If being sexy were a crime, you better lock me up.
Not because I'm sexy, but because I have 5 dead children in my basement.
You’re so fat that when you sit on the toilet, it says, “A B C D E F G, get your butt off of me!”
Me: Hey Siri, did you know Candice died?
Siri: Yes, I was informed she died from sugondese.
Me: What is that?
Siri: Sugondese nuts.
What is Michael Jackson's favorite phrase to parents of boys? "Leave me alone!"
I'm not saying I'm ugly...
But when I'm watching porn, the hot, sexy women in my area always pop up and ask me if I'm rich.
Somebody: Do you even eat and get sleep?
Me: I have depression, what do you think?!
Just give me my money (clap clap clap).
Girls' dreams: OMG, my crush kissed me!
Boys' dreams: I just got a dub, bro!
There never was a historical Jesus Christ. Hey, do not even dream of crucifying me.
What is the difference between me and a fire?
It's hot.
Me and a wheelchair person were playing tag, and I broke my leg so it can be fair for him.
Me: Knock knock.
My Grandma: Who’s there?
Me: Interrupting cow.
My Grandma: Interrupting c-
[Dies from heart attack]
Me testing if there is fall damage in real life (falls off of a cliff, uses water bucket trick) dies.
Women be like don't tell me what to wear, proceeds to tell men what to wear.
School Bully: How's your girlfriend? Oh wait, you don't have any!
Me: How's your parents? Oh wait, you don't have any! *Continues to burn down orphanage*
I was wondering why the tennis ball was getting bigger 🤔
Then it hit me 🤧😂
Me to an orphan: If you had a penny for everyone who loved you, I don't think you'd have any.
The orphan: But why?
Me: Because if someone loved you, they wouldn't have thrown you out.
My fitness guru said that if I got raped, it would help me in future marathons.