ME jokes

What is Michael Jackson's favorite phrase to parents of boys? "Leave me alone!"

A poor person came up to me and said, "You're ugly." I said, "You remind me of Spider-Man: No Way Home."

I'm not saying I'm ugly...

But when I'm watching porn, the hot, sexy women in my area always pop up and ask me if I'm rich.

Somebody: Do you even eat and get sleep?

Me: I have depression, what do you think?!

My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex. Guess they misunderstood when I said I wanted to watch.

Just give me my money (clap clap clap).

My son caught me masturbating the other day and was like, "Dad, what are you doing?" I said, "Don't worry, you'll be doing it soon." He said, "Why is that?" I told him, "My arm is getting tired."

If being sexy were a crime, you better lock me up.

Not because I'm sexy, but because I have 5 dead children in my basement.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Me, haha, I'm the joke.

Everyone tells me I need to stop making prostitute jokes.

I guess they're whore-ible.

There never was a historical Jesus Christ. Hey, do not even dream of crucifying me.

My grandma told me I was next at my brother's wedding, so I told her she was next at her husband's funeral.

Girls' dreams: OMG, my crush kissed me!

Boys' dreams: I just got a dub, bro!

My wife accused me of being immature, so I kicked her out of my "boys fort."

My Friend Evan: What happens if the voice inside your head is your soulmate?

Me: Then my soulmate is a F_cking A__hole.

My girlfriend called me a pedophile. That's a big word for a six-year-old.

My girlfriend asked me whether I was having sex behind her back, and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"

Comment on this if you are somewhat like me: depressed, single, gay, and act like you're not burning inside.

Man: Stop with these orphan jokes!

Me: Why? Are they going to tell their parents on me?