ME jokes
My mom told me that her doctor told her personally that she had to keep herself isolated because she has a few new symptoms that are going around, and those symptoms are that she has big titties, a sweet pussy, and a great ass.
Fat people: Do I look beautiful when I eat a pack of chicken?
Me: Yes, you look like a bunch of boulders crashing into each other.
Fat: Dang...
Me: Shut up, Jon Brower Minnoch.
Walk up to the quiet kid and tell him to hang in there. Trust me, you won’t regret it.
My grandpa said, "You kids rely on too much electronics." I said, well we will see about that. *unplugging life support* me: *oops*
What is love? Baby, don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me, no more!
Someone: "I WANNA BE THE SUN OF YOUR LIFE!"
Me: Then stay at 1,000,000 km of me.
Boss: You're fired.
Me: *pauses porn* Why?
What's the difference between me and an egg?
An egg gets laid.
My teachers told me I'd never amount to much because I procrastinate so much.
I told them, "Just you wait!"
Are you a razor? 'Cause you make me red.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
Me: Hey, were you born on a highway?
My enemy: Uh, no, why?
Me: Because that’s where most accidents happen.
Chiropractor: Final neck adjustment in 3, 2, 1. How did that feel?
Me: *silence*
I was raped by mimes once. They did unspeakable things to me.
BFF: Dude, come over to my house right now!
Me: What? No way, it's 2:58 AM.
BFF: But I just found my brother's secret stash of Oreos!
Me: I'll be over in 5 minutes.
Yo mama's so dumb, her dad said, "You're driving me crazy," and she said, "I didn't know crazy was a place!"
Boss: Why are you so bad at driving trains? How many have you derailed this year?
Me: Sorry, boss, it’s hard to keep track.
What's the funniest thing you ever read? For me it was when Rapboat told me he was a legit rapper.
I say 123, yeah, the kids bullied me, but they really don't know that my dad has a gun, yeah.
You: I want my mama.
Me: Soz, you can't even get one.