ME jokes
Me to an orphan: If you had a penny for everyone who loved you, I don't think you'd have any.
The orphan: But why?
Me: Because if someone loved you, they wouldn't have thrown you out.
My fitness guru said that if I got raped, it would help me in future marathons.
Woman gets pulled over by a cop.
Cop: "Ma'am, have you been drinking?"
Lady: "No, officer."
Cop: "What's that in your cup then, ma'am?"
Lady: "Just water, officer."
Cop: "Looks like wine to me."
Lady: "Oh my god, Jesus did it again!"
Johnny, Johnny?
Yes, Papa?
Do you love me?
No, Papa.
#### you!
My girlfriend calling me: I'm home alone ;)
Me: I know, you always are...
Memes
My friend said to me that I am gay. My response? I’m as straight as that pole that your mum danced on last night.
*at school*
Nobody: Do you want nuts?
Me: Wait, you have some?
Nobody: Yeah, they're my own.
Me: :0
I saw a kid sitting on the curb and I asked him, "Are you an orphan?"
He said, "Yeah, what gave me away?" "You're parents did."
Me :D
My family is lucky I was born so smart. Every time my Dad is struggling at work, he always turns to me when he needs to get ahead.
I'm a pilot and my boss told me to fly people to New York, so I flew them to New York and hit the towers. That was a tragic story.
Call me Willma, Will ma balls fit in ya mouth?
If I look after chickens, does that make me a chicken tender?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Die.
Die who?
Me, I want to die.
What is brown and sticky?
What is white and gooey?
What is long and hard?
(Tell me in the comments)
Riddle: I can fill a room, others can have me, but I can't be shared. What am I?
Answer: Loneliness.
Kid: My parents want to meet you, you wanna come over?
Orphan: Na, I'm good. I'm going to watch Home Alone. It's the only movie that I can think of that's related to me.
Before my grandad died, he whispered to me, "Is your uncle still in the basement?" I said he has died. Oh, my grandad said, "I will lock him in heaven's basement."
When the teacher dismissed the class to go home,
The orphan asked, "Where do I go?"
The teacher replied, "Home."
The orphan said, "Catch me on the streets then!"
BFF: Dude, come over to my house right now!
Me: What? No way, it's 2:58 AM.
BFF: But I just found my brother's secret stash of Oreos!
Me: I'll be over in 5 minutes.