ME jokes
My husband asked me to get 6 cans of Sprite at the store. I realized when I got home that I had picked 7-Up.
Somebody: Do you even eat and get sleep?
Me: I have depression, what do you think?!
Dumb person: Wat idk mean?
Person 1: I don’t know.
Dumb one: Oh u don’t know okie I ask Googol.
Person 1: Wait idk means--
Dumb one (to Googol): WAT DOS IDK MANNN?
Googol: I don’t know.
Dumb one: OH ME GOOOD EVEN GOGLO DOESYN KNOWWW
What does a stick say when it falls down? "Wood you help me up?"
Q. You know what really bugs me?
A. Insect puns.
Memes
I wondered why the baseball was getting closer...
Then it hit me!
My mom said, "You are in big trouble!"
I said, "Are you going to punish me?"
A puma was making another puma laugh. That puma that was laughing said, “Stop making me laugh! I’m gonna puma pants!”
FEMA during a natural disaster is kinda like me during sex. Slow to respond and not a lot of satisfying results.
I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but it eventually came back to me.
Person: You suck!
Me: Tell that to your mom, and she’ll say the same thing, honey. 😎
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Someone asked me what the worst mistake you could make while being at work was, and I replied, "Being a doctor and mixing up the oral and rectal thermometers."
What’s the same between a pregnant 14 year old and her fetus?
They’re both saying “Oh my god my mom’s gonna kill me!”
A man once sued smart water for not making him smart. Then a woman replied, “Okay cool, now I’m going to go sue Thin Mints for not making me thin.”
Money means nothing to me. Ask me for it, you will get nothing.
My kids told me to have a good day, so I left them to their own devices and hoped for the best.
A poor person came up to me and said, "You're ugly." I said, "You remind me of Spider-Man: No Way Home."
Banker: I have the right to take your money!
Me: Check my name.
Banker: Robin D. Bank, why?
Banker: *realizes*
Me: 😈🖐️ Gimme, gimme.
Friend: Why do you like Minecraft so much?
Me: Because I love miners!