ME jokes
My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records.
He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me.
A stone’s throw away, in fact.
I’ve been told I’ve got a perfect cock. She sure was hard on me when I cut it off, though.
What did one gay guy say to the other when they were packing for a trip?
"Want me to pack your shit?"
What time do you call me tomorrow?
Roses are red, give me some limes, boy dies after masturbating 42 times.
I was trying to make friends, and this one person came up to me. They said, "Lettuce be friends?" I just laughed and said that was tear-able.
Let me tell you how I escaped Iraq. Iran! (;)
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
It's me. I can't get in because Stephen Hawking is blocking the door!
Got fired from the bank yesterday.
They caught me drinking on the job.
Me: Do you take milk before cereal, or cereal before milk?
The adult person I asked: Cereal?
Me: I take the bowl first! What do you do? Do you just pour everything on the table and then eat it?
The person: Yes.
Me: WHAT?!!!??!!
I was at a baseball game and I was wondering why the ball was coming closer.
And then it hit me.
I saw an orphan and I said, "Yo."
He said, "What do you want?"
I said, "To be your new father."
"Really??!" the orphan said.
Me: Lol, no.
Orphan *Jumps into street*
"Brown bear, brown bear, what do you see?" I see a blind man looking at me.
"Blind man, blind man, what do you see?"
Oh sorry, I forgot you can't see.
My wife is an optimist. Our first night together, she handed me a Magnum XL condom. I didn’t know what to do, so I made her a balloon animal 🎈🦒.
A blind man once told me he smokes a lot because he has nothing to look forward to. Well, let's just say that I see his point.
He only won the election because of rigging.
82 million votes my ass.
Ask me for proof.
Throw a plate.
It’s broken, right?
Say “sorry” to it.
Did it fix back?
No... that’s the same thing you did to me :)
Me: Hey, I’m your mom.
Orphan: Yay, you came back!
Me: Sike!
My friend was annoying me with bird puns. I realized toucan play at this game.
So one time I was looking up the definition of "accident" because I was a little dumbo and didn’t know what it meant. Then my sister walks up behind me and points at the word and says, “That’s you!” (meaning that I was an accident).
A few minutes later, we had a big family meeting and my dad said to my sister, “Sweetie, you were an accident. We didn’t mean to make you, but we still love you with everything we’ve got.”
My sister never talked to me again and left the house. She was 17 when she left. Seriously, 17-year-olds just never mature, huh?