ME jokes
This guy comes knocking on the door in hell and speaks to God. "Please let me out, it is too cold in here!"
God is all confused. "There is a big fire in there!" The guy answers, "Yes, there is, but you cannot get near it. All the bishops, cardinals, and priests are sitting around it."
"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"Mary."
"Mary who?"
"Marry me!"
"Give me a cigarette," the condemned man said.
"I thought you quit," replied the guard.
"I did, but I don't think it matters anymore."
I saw a kid sitting on the side and asked if he was an orphan, “what gave me away?” “Well, your parents, for a start.”
Yesterday, I was on a reality TV show where they locked me up with all those smelly monkeys from the Leger Zoo. It was complete madness.
Friend: Hi.
Me: Do you know how lost their dad is?
Friend: Me?
Me: Damn, no, not you.
Friend: Then who?
Me: The orphan kid.
I guess we're the same.
My friend: Wanna hear a joke?
Me: No.
Friend: Why?
Me: Because you are a joke.
Friend: Your life is too...
Me: :)
Friends :)
My friend jokingly confessed to me she did prostitution (consensual).
She wasn't joking. :0
We are 15....
"Trust falling" with a bridge is more trustworthy than me.
Hello guys. It's me, Donald fuckin' Trump. Ask me anything in the comments, guys.
Friend texting fat boy: I know you're on the group chat. I can see you looking at my texts.
Me: I can only see fat.
Q: My dad woke up one morning about to go to work, but he was still really tired, so he decided the quickest way to wake him up was to slap him in the face.
So he asked me to do it, but I guess I don't know my own strength, and so he went back to sleep again...
Today I went to get a sub, and they asked me if I wanted all vegetables. I said no, leave some for the rest of the customers.
I walked up to 2 people kissing and stared.
After a little while, they asked me if I minded. I said no, I don’t mind.
What do you call finding half of a worm?
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh moan for me.
I got something long stuck inside me last night, dammit, that needle hurt.
My brother: What are you looking at?
Me: A mistake.
"Prince, do you love the faker, Princess, or me, the real Gwen?"
Me: I wouldn’t want to be with a shitmate.
Shitmate: You’re so shitable.
Me: Bring banana ice cream.
Shitmate: Never happening.
Your hairline is so far back it makes me look like Shaq O'Neal.