ME jokes

My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”

I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”

My fifth wife asked me to help her dig in the garden. Here we go again.

So, I went out to eat the other day, and the waitress came up to me and asked if I wanted a glass of water. I said, "Yes ma'am." She said, "Oh honey, you don't have to call me ma'am, I'm not that old." I said, "Okay, thanks bitch."

My boyfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

Orphan boy: "Your dad is probably disappointed in you. I mean, look at you."

Me: "Well, at least my parents kept me. Where are yours?"

I was out for dinner with my 19 year old girlfriend. I, being 42, had many people shouting at me, scolding me, calling me a creep. It really ruined our 10th anniversary.

My life.

Tell me when you get it.

I was excited my teacher asked me for sex in exchange for a good grade, but then I realized I was homeschooled.

They told me I could never be an actor.

No one suspected me when they went missing the next day.

I went to visit my friend's sick grandpa. He was lying in a hospital bed connected to a lot of tubes. When I approached him, he kept repeating "Nǐ cǎizhe wǒ de yǎngqì guǎn."

Suddenly, right in front of me, he passed. Later that night, I translated his last words, and they were, "You're standing on my oxygen tube."

My wrists have a different texture pack than the rest of me.

You know, people always say your life is worth it, but with me, it's worth-it-less.

My wife told me I was immature. I just told her to get out of my pillow fort.

I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he's still making fun of me.

I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.

Father: "I don't trust you. You poured your seed in my daughter's belly."

Son: "But Paah, you can't fire me."

Father: "You're lucky you're my brother too, or I'd kill you."

Friend: How dark is your humor?

Me: It picks cotton.

What's Stephen Hawking's favorite song?

- They see me rolling.

A priest is drowning in a river. A boat comes along and asks to help him. He says, "Leave me alone, God will save me." The next day another boat came along and asked to help him. Again he said, "Leave me alone, God will save me." The next day the last boat came and asked to help him. Once again he told the boat that God will save him. The next day he died. He went to heaven and asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God said, "I sent you three f***ing boats and you didn't take them!"

I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.