ME jokes

I bought a wooden whistle. But it wouldn't whistle, so I bought a steel whistle. But it still wouldn't whistle. So I bought a lead whistle, but it still wouldn't lead me to whistle.

People sometimes ask me why I cut myself. I usually answer that at least I can scan my worth at the supermarket.

I have an EpiPen.

My friend gave it to me when he was dying.

It seemed really important to him that I have it.

If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with four people is called a foursome, I guess now it's clear why everyone calls me handsome.

Teacher: Kids, what are some things you have that make you happy? Kid 1: I have my family to make me happy. Kid 2: I have my friends to make me happy. Teacher: What about you, Sean? Sean: I have to take pills to make me happy...

My therapist told me that time heals all wounds. So I stabbed him, now we wait.

My girlfriend keeps calling me a pedophile. That's a big word for a seven year old.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair.

But I knew she'd come crawling back to me.

A thief walks up to a man in a suit and pulls out a gun. The thief says: "Give me your money." The man in the suit turns around surprised. He raises his hands and says: "But, wait! You can't do that, I am a Congressman!" The thief replies: "Oh, sorry. Give me MY money."

My mom told me to take out the trash, but I couldn't find you.

I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.

The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.

1273. Depression got the best of me. I'm gonna cry in my room now.

If I'm the night guard at the Samsung store, does that make me a guardian of the galaxy?

Friend: Hey, wanna play hide and seek? Me: Sure, I've got a great spot! Me: *grabs knife and runs to my closet*

I was in cooking class and my teacher said, "Does anyone know what a chopping board is similar to?"

Me and my friend just glanced at each other and burst out laughing.

Long story short, the teacher understood the joke, and now we are both in daily therapy. 😭💀

Me: Knock knock.

Friend: Who's there?

Me: I don't know anymore.

What's the difference between an amateur thief and a professional thief?

The amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!" The professional thief says, "Sign here please."

Father: "I don't trust you. You poured your seed in my daughter's belly."

Son: "But Paah, you can't fire me."

Father: "You're lucky you're my brother too, or I'd kill you."

My mom told me it's not healthy to stay in my room all day... but the only places I'm allowed to go to are my room and downstairs.

A brother and a sister always got into fights. One day the brother tells the sister, "You're adopted!" The sister yells back, "At least they wanted me!"