ME jokes

Someone asked me why I'm still here... the answer is simple: I don't want to be used as a school assembly.

I bought a wooden whistle. But it wouldn't whistle, so I bought a steel whistle. But it still wouldn't whistle. So I bought a lead whistle, but it still wouldn't lead me to whistle.

People sometimes ask me why I cut myself. I usually answer that at least I can scan my worth at the supermarket.

The other day my friend messaged me saying, "bro I have two pieces of bad news for you." I told him to combine them. He replied with, "your girlfriend is cheating on both of us."

If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with four people is called a foursome, I guess now it's clear why everyone calls me handsome.

Teacher: Kids, what are some things you have that make you happy? Kid 1: I have my family to make me happy. Kid 2: I have my friends to make me happy. Teacher: What about you, Sean? Sean: I have to take pills to make me happy...

My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair.

But I knew she'd come crawling back to me.

My girlfriend keeps calling me a pedophile. That's a big word for a seven year old.

My therapist told me that time heals all wounds. So I stabbed him, now we wait.

A thief walks up to a man in a suit and pulls out a gun. The thief says: "Give me your money." The man in the suit turns around surprised. He raises his hands and says: "But, wait! You can't do that, I am a Congressman!" The thief replies: "Oh, sorry. Give me MY money."

What's the difference between an amateur thief and a professional thief?

The amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!" The professional thief says, "Sign here please."

My mom told me to take out the trash, but I couldn't find you.

I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.

The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.

If I'm the night guard at the Samsung store, does that make me a guardian of the galaxy?

1273. Depression got the best of me. I'm gonna cry in my room now.

Friend: Hey, wanna play hide and seek? Me: Sure, I've got a great spot! Me: *grabs knife and runs to my closet*

Me: Knock knock.

Friend: Who's there?

Me: I don't know anymore.

A brother and a sister always got into fights. One day the brother tells the sister, "You're adopted!" The sister yells back, "At least they wanted me!"

My mom told me it's not healthy to stay in my room all day... but the only places I'm allowed to go to are my room and downstairs.

Friend #1: "Yo guys, what's the most unfair game you've ever played? For me it's Fortnite."

Friend #2: "I'd have to say Monopoly."

Me: "The most unfair game you say? Life, definitely. Like, no one wins, it's a one-way game."

Friend #2: "Uhh...that's not exactly what he meant..."

Friend #1: *calls the suicide hotline*