ME jokes
When I was feeling suicidal, I called the suicide hotline and they left me hanging.
Your forehead is big. God said dude that's bigger than me and I'm infinitely big!
At weddings my mom always tells me I’m next. So I say the same to her, at funerals.
I went to help an amputated girl, but she didn't have a hand for me to grab.
I was going to join the debating team.
... but someone talked me out of it.
There are two muffins baking in the oven. One muffin says to the other, “Phew, is it getting hot in here or is it just me?”
The other muffin says, “AAAAHHH!! A TALKING MUFFIN!”
"I want to know who this fake me is! I haven't even posted or commented on anything bad or said a curse. I am very kindly asking you to stop."
Me: And this is the room I cry in.
Date: You've said that about every room.
Me: Correct!
"Mommy, mommy! Are we janitors?"
"Shut up and pass me the mop."
"Hey, look at me, I'm stupid named Jordan C who won't shut up and leave Addison alone."
Repeat after me...
Me: "You have a weird style."
Mom: "You have a weird style."
Me: "Um, not your mirror!" *runs away*
The name is Ash, Johnathan Ash. My friends call me Jack.
Have you ever heard of hearing aids?
Yeah, me neither.
Me: What are you?
Jake: A muddeasso.
The man says, "Can you hump me?" So the other boy says, "Bro bro bro bro bro."
What is the difference between me and food?
Food has a use.
"Goodness, that's what Post Malone sounds like?"
"Give me some pre-Malone hip hop any day!"
I'm so poor that they let me buy the entire store! For $0...
My kid runs in today to tell me that he found a floating cow, but when he got me to come and see, all I saw was a piñata with a tail and white spots. Such a stupid child. So after that I gave him a nice refreshing drink from the toilet and a few of those chocolate sprinkles. (: I'm such a good parent...
My Mom said she's going to kill me if I don't stop using my computer.