ME jokes
Woman: Will you love me after marriage as well?
Man: That will depend on your husband. If he will, so of course I would!
Hello, are you there?
Yes, who are you?
My name is Watt.
What’s your name?
Watt’s my name.
Yes, what is your name?
My name is John Watt.
John What?
Yes, are you Jones?
No, I’m Knott.
Will you tell me your name?
Will Knott.
Why not?
My name is Knott.
Not what?
Not Watt, Knott!
*hangs up*
My brother goes into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me 12 beers and a shot of whiskey." The bartender says, "That's a lot of alcohol." My brother says, "I'm celebrating my first blowjob." The bartender said, "Let me buy you a drink." My brother said, "No, this should be enough to get the taste out of my mouth."
Bully: How is your girlfriend?
Me: I don't have one!
Bully: I know!
Me: How are your parents?
*Walks out of orphanage*
Holy cow!
A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, “Have you heard about the mad cow disease that’s going around?”
“Yeah,” the other cow says. “Makes me glad I’m a penguin.”
What's the difference between me and the rest of America?
I love one and hate the other.
She asked me if I was hung like a horse, but I said no.
I'm hung like a person who wants to die, but then the rope broke.
My country is so corrupt that it voted me as the most sexiest man.
Victory assured, I will continue like that till I'm six feet under.
I was lying on the living room carpet the other day with my girlfriend on top of me in wings and a tutu, making out.
I called her the Fallen Angel.
"Prince, be honest, do you still love me?"
My girlfriend broke up with me, so I decided to take her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?
Gwen, are you mad at me? Cause that was a faker.
Like the faker Gwen?
Tell rumors about me, but please don't say I'm in a love relationship.
My friend asked me why I haven’t had milk in six years.
I told him my dad never came back with it.
My friend told me I should be a stand up comedian but... I prefer sitting.
Ugly kid, people keep saying I'm ugly.
Me: They're certainly not wrong.
My boyfriend and I were playing baseball last night with some of our friends. Halfway through the game we took a break and he asked me to hold his balls for him whilst he went to the toilet.
All our friends were shocked when I went into the boys' bathroom with him.
I got knob cheesed after your sexy mom was on top, dry humping me on the vanilla-coloured living room carpet.
Me: I have the body of a 28 year old.
Her: Prove it.
Me: (opens freezer)
There's at least 856 pages of these newest puns. I couldn't finish, because it took me an hour just to get that far. Just saying, that's a lot of jokes!