ME jokes

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. -- A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

So, my parents were telling me about this dark joke they made 17 years ago, but they didn't actually tell me the joke.

Me: Mom, should I kill the main character in the book I'm writing to make things more interesting?

Mom: Sure, honey! What type of book are you writing?

Me: It's an autobiography.

Someone told me that you can let out all your anger by writing letters about everyone you hate and then burning them... But I was just wondering... should I keep the letters?

What do you call an orphan's family reunion? "Me time."

What is a similarity between a pregnant 14-year-old and the fetus inside of her?

They both are thinking, "Shit! Mom is gonna kill me!"

My friend Jimmy said his dad is exactly like Santa. I asked, "Why is it because he gives people presents?" Jimmy told me, "No, it's because I hear so many good things about him and how he's gonna come home, but never see him."

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.

You must be depression, because you make me want to kill myself ;)

A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands money.

Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."

The robber shot him in the head, killing him instantly.

He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did!"

The other day, me and my friend were at the shops buying crafts. I was wearing a black top; she was wearing a stripy top. We were arguing about who was more creative when she asked me to prove that I am. I just said, "You buy your stripes, I make mine."

My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

"Boom, quick; you have five seconds to give me three reasons to live." "1......2......3 .....4....5..." Did you notice you said nothing at all?

My friend got mad when he caught me smelling his sister's panties. I don't know why he was mad, maybe because she was wearing them, or because his whole family was watching. Either way, it made the funeral a bit awkward.

My wife caught me one day for watching a porn channel, so I quickly turned the TV to a fishing channel. On her way out, she said: "You should stay on the porn channel. You know how to fish!"

I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.

Me: Have you ever went sky diving?

Friend: No.

Me: Well don't, it sucks.

Friend: Why?

Me: They gave me a parachute and I lived.

My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.

It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

Do you know a way to really freak out someone that works at a car dealership?

You say, "Tell me if you can hear me," then get in the trunk and start screaming.

Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide," and he told me from now on I have to pay in advance.