ME jokes
I'll call you later. Don't call me later, call me Dad.
Desmend: FLY
Draco: FLY
Me: DIE
I told my therapist you are too fat and ugly to date grown men. Then she asked me, "You wanna give a judgemental reaction about that?" I said, "Okay, you smell rat pee on somebody's cock."
My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote Linkin Park too much.
But in the end, it doesn’t even matter.
My wife slept with another man and got pregnant. She told me 9 weeks later. I said it's ok and told her let's talk downstairs, so I pushed her down the stairs.
Jesus walks into a motel, puts three nails on the counter, and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"
Me: How many letters are in the alphabet?
That one friend: 11 - T-H-E-- A-L-P-H-A-B-E-T.
Wanna hear a joke? It's called me :|
Friend 1: *turns off lights*
Friend 2: *is there with us*
Me: Woah! Where did friend 2 go?!
What's the difference between me and a depressed kid? At least I'm out of the grave.
I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger before my eyes.
Then it hit me.
*World War 2 going on and then stops.*
Me: "I guess you would say it was a gory-ious battle."
My sister beat me in a race. She gave me a raspberry. I was bitter.
When your wife takes 30 minutes to get ready.
Me: Takes five minutes.
Me: Hun, you done yet?
Why was your mom so into me?
'Cause she was the man.
I say these jokes are life saving material. Who's with me?
W2S, you stinky, stanky fad. Seeing your disstracks really makes me wanna fap.
Me: Hey God, are you there? It's me, Michael.
God: *SILENCE*
Me: If any gods exist, they better say or do something this instant!
God: *SILENCE*
I lost my job at a research facility. The people were too chill for me.
Me: I broke me bum.
Dad: Oh, that is bad. I will get some Pooh in the toilet so I can heal your bum.