ME jokes

One day, I saw a kid sitting on the curb dressed in rags. I asked if he was an orphan. He said, "Yeah, what gave me away?" I said, "His parents."

Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide," and he told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

My wife caught me one day for watching a porn channel, so I quickly turned the TV to a fishing channel. On her way out, she said: "You should stay on the porn channel. You know how to fish!"

Someone asked me, "What are them scars on your arm?" I thought I was playing a violin.

I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping up onions, which made me cry.

Onions was a good dog.

Little Johnny went on a camping trip. All the tents were taken, so he shared with the teacher. So Little Johnny says: "Can I play with your bellybutton? My mom always lets me when we camp." So the teacher says: "Sure." 5 minutes later the teacher says: "Woah, woah, woah that's not my bellybutton!" Little Johnny says: "Woah, woah, woah, that's not my finger."

I saw a man sitting on the ledge of a bridge the other day, and asked him what was wrong. He responded with nobody loves me, so i told him that may be true but you dont wanna kill yourself you want to die of old age, or at least be murdered, suicide is for the weak. he responded with your right so I pushed him over the bridge, and he died of murder

Aunt: Stop telling the kids Santa isn't real.

Me: Stop telling them their dad is going to get milk.

911 jokes usually go over my head.

Then it hits me.

People were talking and asking what's the worst day of the year for them.

Person 1: "The first day of school because I don't like going to school."

Person 2: "Valentine's day because it's too lovey."

Me: "Oh nice, mine is my birthday because it's when I was born."

Me: Mom, I'm tired.

Mom: "Then go to sleep."

Me: No, you don't understand-

My girlfriend broke up with me. She said I was a pedophile. I told her, “PEDOPHILE? Wow, that sure is a big word for an eight-year-old!”

A salesman rings the doorbell and Little Johnny answers. Salesman: “Can I see your dad?” Johnny: “No, he’s in the shower.” Salesman: “What about your mother? Can I see her?” Johnny: “Nope. She’s in the shower, too.” Salesman: “Do you think they’ll be out soon?” Johnny: “Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him super glue instead.”

I have an EpiPen.

My friend gave it to me when he was dying.

It seemed really important to him that I have it.

I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.

I got suspended for asking an emo kid if he wants to hang out with me.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

When I was 14, my mum caught me wanking, and she slapped me across the face. A couple weeks later, my dad caught me having a beer, and he made me drink 40 beers. I just thought, "Well, I'm glad he didn't catch me wanking."

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his dick.

The bartender asks him why.

And the pirate says:

"Argh, It's driving me nuts."

The judge asked me, "How does 5 to 10 years sound?"

I said, "Sexy."