I am armed with an automatic 4-OXD 22. caliber machine gun. HANDS IN THE AIR!
I don't got free candy. It costs child support.
Q. Why did Josh Duggar cross the road?
A. There was a daycare on the other side.
I saw some terrorists on Family Feud. It looked like they had three strikes!
Why don't orphans need parent approval for their wedding?
Because they never came home.
I don’t know why I’m in jail. So, basically, I was at a gun range, and we were supposed to hit the targets, even though I hit it.
I’m gonna put my AR 15 up your fucking ass and pull the trigger!
What's with all the orphan jokes? Kinda sus. #fbi
A king ordered to execute a gay man.
The gay man came and said, "Please don't behead me, have pity!" The king replied, "I will have pity because I will impale you, let you enjoy your last moments."
Ever wondered why Usain Bolt runs fast? He's training to outrun the cops.
According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that Keagan's FIFA team should be this terrible, also the problem is that Keagan is a Real Madrid fan.
What's the difference between a wanted person and a wanted handicapped person? The handicapped person wasn’t last seen on foot.
I've been looking for my parents for years.
For the life of me, I can't remember where I hid their bodies.
My mom: Your life could be worse. You could be Tracy Latimer.
Me: I wish I were Tracy Latimer, then someone would kill me.
October 1, 2017 is when the Mandalay Bay became the Mandalay spray. Thank Steve for that.
My boss found my permanent record at the orphanage, and he’s mad. I got fired...
Why are most politicians in the closet or gay?
Because all they can do is mandate.
Why do egos like robbing banks?
They get a cut.
Leo must be a parking ticket... not because of the “fine” thing, nah, it’s because she’s OVERSTAYED her WELCOME.
Elmo: Welcome to the new micronation of Tickelandia.
Dude: Why are we close to Disneyland?
Kid: I don't know.
Elmo: Rule 1, you must not tell the forests or Bob Iger about us.
Meanwhile, Officer: Come on, Elmo, you're going to prison.
*Officer arrests Elmo*
Elmo: But who wants tickles?
