Jesus jokes

God = what I hope to be.

Devil = what I can't accept.

I hope to be like Jesus, a dead martyr. I can't accept that my religion is evil.

Why does Satan worship himself?

Jesus told him to worship God.

You know it's so hard to clean my sex toys. Thank you, Jesus, for creating baptism.

What's better: nailing Jesus or getting nailed?

Depends on who's sucking.

One day, little Johnny and little Susan were in bible class. Little Susan had been tired that day, so she kept falling asleep. The teacher said to little Susan, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" Little Johnny poked her in the butt with a push pin, and she yelled, "Jesus Christ!" The teacher goes, "That's right, go back to bed." Then, the next thing the teacher asked was, "Who gave up their son for our sins?" Little Johnny poked her again, and she yelled, "God Almighty!" The teacher says, "That's right, go back to bed." The next question the teacher asked was, "What did Adam say to Eve after their 13th child?" Little Johnny poked her in the butt again. She yelled, "If you stick that thing in me again, I am going to break it in half and shove it up your own ass and see how you like it!"

What do dairy products praise? Cheeseus.

What did Mother Mary say when God farted? Jesus Christ, you stink!

Yo mama is so fat and old, when Jesus said "Let there be Light!" he told your mama to move out of the way!

Jesus takes his disciples to a bar.

"13 pints of water, please," he says to the barman.

"Oh, fuck, not you again," the barman replies.

"You boys are about to see something real special," says Jesus.

My gay ass: I want to find Jesus.

Religious mom: FINALLY!

Me: Grabs a noose.

Jesus and Satan are just basically Homer and Flanders. One tries to help the other, only for Satan to just say, "Shut up!"

When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead, I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.

Why is Jesus in pieces?

Because a one man band is Nine Inch Nails.

My friend showed me his broken finger, and I said, "JESUS!" He said his name is Jake.

What does Jesus do when he gets nervous? He bites his nails.

They say we will have eternal life when Jesus is no longer coming.

you.

Jesus was drinking when he made you.

What is Jesus's favorite exercise? Cross fit.

Why did Jesus create the Devil?

He didn't recognize himself through the time portal.