Jesus jokes
Therapist: So how depressed would you say you’ve been feeling lately?
Me: I don’t care anymore if my foot hangs over the bed where a monster can get it.
Therapist [whispering]: Jesus, wow.
What was Jesus's favorite sport?
Lacrosse.
What did one God say to the other?
"I will die to be a man."
The only difference between you and Jesus is that Jesus believed in himself.
Are you Jesus? Because I want to nail you.
What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
The picture gets hung with one nail, not two.
What do Jesus and I have in common? Our dads left us...
What’s the difference between Jesus and a hooker?
The look on their face when you're nailing them.
A Christian Missionary walks up to some people and says, "Come! Meet Jesus!"
One of the guys takes out a knife and says, "You first."
God = what I hope to be.
Devil = what I can't accept.
I hope to be like Jesus, a dead martyr. I can't accept that my religion is evil.
What do Jesus and a painting have in common?
They hang by nails.
God's consciousness: Art.
God's unconsciousness: Christianity.
A man goes into heaven and there he meets Jesus. He asks Jesus what that broken clock is there for. Jesus says, "That is Mother Teresa's clock, it has never moved because she has never lied." "There is Abraham Lincoln's clock. He has lied twice so it has moved twice." "Where is Donald Trump's?" asks the man. Jesus answers, "It is in my office, I am using it as a ceiling fan."
What's the difference between a priest and a zit?
A: One waits until you're twelve to cum on your face.
Jesus Christ said my faith can move mountains, so Mohammed said my faith can move skyscrapers.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Jesus.
Jesus who?
Jesus Christ, open the door!
Q: What do the St. Louis Rams and Billy Graham have in common?
A: They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell, “Jesus Christ.”
What's the difference between Jesus and Christmas tree lights?
They can both flash.
So I went to a church the other day and I asked my friend, "Is that painting of Jesus and is it through the wall with one with three nails?" Oh wait, I wasn’t even Jesus, he’s not doing the T post that he invented.
When God make white people he said, "FUCK I'M OUT OF PAINT!"