Oh no, I feel bad for Stephen Hawking. He can’t get up the stairway to Heaven.
I nailed my Jewish girlfriend so hard, she turned Christian.
Jesus said to his disciples, "Go forth and ye shall receive eternal life." Thomas came fifth, however, so he only got a toaster.
How does Jesus whistle? Through the hole in his hand.
What kind of car does Jesus drive?
A Christler.
What does Jesus have in common with Pinocchio?
They believe their own lies.
How did the blind Catholic get in a car crash? He asked Jesus to take the wheel.
If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?
Jesus and Moses come back to Earth.
Moses says, "Let's go down to the ocean and see if I can do what I used to when I was here before." So Moses raises his arms and motions to part the waters. Sure enough, he is able to part the waters just as before.
Jesus quips, "Close the water, I'm going to try to do what I used to when I was here last." So Jesus walks out on top of the water, then sinks to the bottom. He crawls out pulling seaweed off of him. Moses says, "Hey, it's not your fault, you didn't have those holes in your feet before."
I bought myself the life-sized Jesus painting off of Amazon, and they had 4 nails within the pack. All I needed was 1.
What’s the difference between the real Jesus and a picture of him?
It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.
Q: Why doesn't Jesus play hockey? A: He hates getting nailed to the boards.
The only difference between you and Jesus, is that jesus believed in himself.
Do you know why Jesus is so popular with the ladies??
Haven't you ever seen pictures of the guy? He was hung like this... 🤚--------🤪----------✋
Why do people think Jesus is going to come back? He wasn’t nailed to a fucking boomerang!
Gary and Steve are having sex and the phone rings. Steve goes to answer the phone and tells Gary, "Hey, don't finish yourself until I get back." After returning from the other room, there is cum all over the bed and wall of the bedroom. "Jesus, Gary, I said not to finish yourself until I got back!" Gary turns to him and says, "I didn't, I farted."
What's the difference between Jesus and the baby I have in my basement?
Jesus died a virgin.
What did one God say to the other?
"I will die to be a man."
Jesus saved me from eternal fate, but I didn't want to get saved. I was about to fight Satan on Final Destination before facing and kicking God's ass.
God = what I hope to be.
Devil = what I can't accept.
I hope to be like Jesus, a dead martyr. I can't accept that my religion is evil.
