Jesus Jokes


Gary and Steve are having sex and the phone rings. Steve goes to answer the phone and tells Gary, “Hey, Don’t finish yourself until I get back.” After returning from the other room, there is cum all over the bed and wall of the bedroom. “Jesus, Gary, I said not to finish yourself until I got back!” Gary turns to him and says, “I didn’t, I farted.”


So Jesus has been nailed to the cross. On the first day, he starts to moan, “Peter, Peter”.

Well, Peter hears Jesus moaning and feels it is important, so begins to go up the hill. On his way, he is met by some Roman soldiers and they proceed to beat his ass back down the hill.

On the second day, Peter hears Jesus moaning again, “Peter, Peter”.

Peter thinks to himself, this is important. He heads up the hill, fights past the first line, but gets a beatdown by the second group and back down the hill he goes.

On the third day, Peter is woken up by Jesus sounding very weak, but calling out, “Peter, Peter”.

Peter feels that whatever it is that Jesus needs him for, must be very important. Peter heads up the hill, he is on a mission. He manages to fight his way thru three sets of Roman guards and make his way to the cross Jesus has been nailed to for three days. He looks up to Jesus, and says “Jesus, I have heard your calls, what is so important”?

Jesus- “Peter, I can see your house from here”.

in Religion

Knock knock… Who’s there? It’s Jesus, let me in… Why? I have to save you… From what? From what I’m gonna do to you if you don’t let me in.

Heaven is expensive $$

Do you know why jesus is so popular with the ladies?? Haven’t you ever seen pictures of the guy? He was hung like this… 🤚--------🤪----------✋

in Puns

What does the dairy products praise? Cheeseus


Oh no I feel bad for Steven Hawkins he can’t get up the stairway to heaven


Jesus and his friend went fishing they both cast the line out and both of them get a bite but Jesus’s friend misses and says “damn I missed” jesus said “that’s a bad sentence to say if you say it 3 time something bad will happen to you” they cast it out again and both get a bite and Jesus’s friend misses again and says “damn I missed” jesus replied “if you say that one more time something bad will happen” they cast out again and Jesus’s friends line snaps and he says “damn I missed” jesus said “that’s the last time something bad will happen” the biggest thunder storm ever seen appeared and a lightning bolt struck jesus and a voice came from the clouds “damn I missed”


I nailed my Jewish girlfriend so hard she turned Christian.


A Christian Missionary walks up to some people and says " Come! Meet Jesus!" One of the guys takes out a knife and says, “You first”


They say Jesus walked on water. That’s nothing. Stephen Hawking ran on batteries.


How does Jesus whistle? Through the hole in his hand.


What’s the difference between Jesus and a hooker?

The look on their face when your nailing them


If Jesus told you to trust everyone that must be why there is a lot of kidnappings


Did jesus cut his nails? No! His nails cut through him.

Jason Rowland
in Yo mama

Yo mama is so fat and old, when Jesus said “Let there be Light!” he told your mama to move out of the way!


Guy: why can’t Jesus have M&M’s priest: why? Guy: because they’ll fall through the whole in his hands

in Bad

One day little Jonny and little Susan were in bible class and little susan had been tired that day so she kept falling asleep and the teacher said to little susan who is our lord and savier and little jonny poked her in the but with a push pin and she yelled JESUS CHRIST and the teacher goes thats right go back to be and then the next thing the teacher asked who gave up there son for our sins and little jonny poked her again and she yelled GOD AL MIGHTY and she says thats right go back to bed and the next quisten the teacher asked was what did ADAM SAY TO EVE after there 13th child little jonny poked her in the but again she yelled IF YOU STICK TAHT THING IN ME AGAIN I AM GOING TO BREAK IT IN HALF AND SHUV IT UP YOUR OWN ASS AND SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT


What’s the difference between Jesus and a dead, naked baby.

I don’t worship Jesus.


My mom said i need Jesus in my life, So I drunk up the holy water ;}.


You call him the holy cross. I call it the rejected smash character.