Jesus Jokes

How did Jesus like his chicken?

Crucifried

What does Jesus have in common with Pinocchio?

They believe their own lies.

I nailed my Jewish girlfriend so hard she turned Christian.

I bought myself the life-sized Jesus painting off of amazon, and they had 4 nails within the pack. All I needed was 1.

my gay ass: i want to find jesus religous mom: FINALLY me: grabs a noose

jesus and satan are just basically homer and flanders. one tries to help the other, only for satan to just say "shut up".

Are you Jesus? Because I want to nail you.

How did the blind Catholic get in a car crash? He asked Jesus to take the wheel.

Jesus said to his disciples "Go forth and ye shall receive eternal life". Thomas came fifth however so he only got a toaster.

The only difference between you and Jesus, is that jesus believed in himself.

Q: Why doesn't Jesus play hockey? A: He hates getting nailed to the boards.

Jesus takes his disciples to a bar , '13 pints of water please' he says to the barman 'Oh fuck not you again' barman replies 'You boys are about to see something real special' says Jesus

Why is Jesus in pieces? Because a one man band is Nine Inch Nails.

My friend showed me his broken finger and i said JESUS, he said his name is Jake

My dad just found out and told my mom about one of their friends Chad just murdered his wife Claire and after doing that he turned the gun on himself and committed suicide right after My moms reply: Jesus Chad will do anything to get out of cleaning his mess won’t he

What's the difference between Jesus and the baby i have in my basement. Jesus died a virgin

So Jesus has been nailed to the cross. On the first day, he starts to moan, "Peter, Peter".

Well, Peter hears Jesus moaning and feels it is important, so begins to go up the hill. On his way, he is met by some Roman soldiers and they proceed to beat his ass back down the hill.

On the second day, Peter hears Jesus moaning again, "Peter, Peter".

Peter thinks to himself, this is important. He heads up the hill, fights past the first line, but gets a beatdown by the second group and back down the hill he goes.

On the third day, Peter is woken up by Jesus sounding very weak, but calling out, "Peter, Peter".

Peter feels that whatever it is that Jesus needs him for, must be very important. Peter heads up the hill, he is on a mission. He manages to fight his way thru three sets of Roman guards and make his way to the cross Jesus has been nailed to for three days. He looks up to Jesus, and says "Jesus, I have heard your calls, what is so important"?

Jesus- "Peter, I can see your house from here".