Jesus Jokes

Oh no I feel bad for Steven Hawkins he can’t get up the stairway to heaven

I nailed my Jewish girlfriend so hard she turned Christian.

Jesus said to his disciples "Go forth and ye shall receive eternal life". Thomas came fifth however so he only got a toaster.

How does Jesus whistle? Through the hole in his hand.

What kind of car does Jesus drive?

A Christler.

What does Jesus have in common with Pinocchio?

They believe their own lies.

How did the blind Catholic get in a car crash? He asked Jesus to take the wheel.

If were all gods children.. whats so special about jesus?

Jesus and Moses come back to earth. Moses says, let's go down to the ocean and see if I can do what I used to when I was here before. So Moses raises his arms and motions to part the waters. Sure enough, he is able to part the waters just as before. Jesus quips, close the water, I'm going to try to do what I used to when I was here last. So Jesus walks out on top of the water, then sinks to the bottom. He crawls out pulling seaweed off of him, Moses says, hey it's not your fault, you didn't have those holes in your feet before.

I bought myself the life-sized Jesus painting off of amazon, and they had 4 nails within the pack. All I needed was 1.

What’s the difference between the real Jesus and a picture of him ?

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

Q: Why doesn't Jesus play hockey? A: He hates getting nailed to the boards.

The only difference between you and Jesus, is that jesus believed in himself.

Why do people think Jesus is going to come back? He wasn’t nailed to a fucking boomerang!

What's the difference between Jesus and the baby i have in my basement. Jesus died a virgin

Jesus saved me from eternal fate. But I didn't want to get saved I was about to fight Satan on Final Destination before facing and kicking God's ass.

What did one God say to the other?

I will die to be a man.

I pray to a dead human I hope to be reunited with.

Jesus, that's sick.