Jesus jokes
What is the difference between Benjah and Jesus?
Jesus walks on the water; Benjah wades through the water.
What’s the difference between Jesus and a prostitute?
The look they give you while you’re nailing them.
Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?
They'll fall right through his hands.
What's the difference between a Christian and a child who believes Santa exists?
Nothing. They both believe in fairytales!
Jesus walks into a motel, puts three nails on the counter, and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"
Why doesn't Jesus participate in Battle Raps?
All his comebacks take three days.
Why did Catholic women stop going to church?
Because it takes Jesus three days to rise.
What was Jesus's favorite sport?
Lacrosse.
Jesus walks into a hotel, hands the inn keeper three nails and says, "Can ya put me up for the night?"
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.
There hasn’t been 3 months of peace in this country since 2019. Jesus, take the wheel.
When Pope Pius IX died, he went to Heaven, knocked at the door, and St. Peter opened it: "Who are you? What do you want?”
"I am Pope Pius. I want to come to Heaven.”
“Where do you come from?"
"Rome."
“What do you mean? Rome, Massachusetts, or Rome, New York?"
"No, Rome, Italy, of course."
“I'm very sorry, but I do not know you!”
To make sure not to erroneously deny access to an authorized person, Saint Peter takes the telephone, calls up God, and asks: "Hello, Boss, here is a guy who says he is the Pope of Rome, do you know him?"
"What do you mean: Rome, Massachusetts, or Rome, New York?"
"No, Rome, Italy, of course."
"No, sorry, I don’t know him.”
Saint Peter makes another telephone call and rings up Jesus: "Hello, Junior, here’s a guy who says he is the Pope of Rome, do you know him?"
"Rome, Massachusetts, or Rome, New York?"
"Rome, Italy."
"No, sorry, never heard of him.”
Saint Peter still does not give up and finally calls up the Holy Ghost and asks: "Hello, Smoky, here is a guy who says he is the Pope of Rome. Do you know him?"
"What does he mean, Rome, Massachusetts, or Rome, New York?"
"He says Rome, Italy."
"No, sorry, I’m afraid I do not know this guy." But then, after a very short while, he continues: "Wait, wait, tell me, is that the guy who invented the damn story about Mary and me?"
I don’t understand why Christians are so against body piercings. Didn’t Jesus have four?
I don’t know if Jesus was black or white, but I know he for sure wasn’t Asian because people wouldn’t ask him to take the wheel.
I may not be as "rich" as Donald Trump, but at least I am still allowed to go on holiday to Bali, Niagara Falls, Hong Kong, and the Pyramids of Giza.
Orange Jesus can't travel to these places because these places cannot grant entry to felons.
...ah, who am I kidding? It's likely that Trump is going to prison, anyway.
Do you want to be in Heaven with Jesus, our savior, or be on Earth with bad things?
Do y'all love Jesus, God? 🙏❤️
I bought my fat wheelchair son a treadmill for his birthday, then that big brainless special motherfucker cried over it and threw a fit cuz his fat special ass couldn't get up out of his wheelchair and said for Jesus to raise him up and give him working and movable legs.
How did Mary get pregnant with baby Jesus?
God fucked her.
Ever wonder how a Jehovah’s Witness spreads their word during Covid?
Now that you’re here, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?