Jesus Jokes

Jesus lives on a long time line, so he may seem slow to you.

What did one God say to the other?

I will die to be a man.

Why did Jesus create the Devil?

He didn't recognize himself through the time portal.

Jesus is the pioneer of Hollywood. He's still famous and my favorite idol.

Whats the difference between a Hooker and Jesus? Their face when you nail them!

Did jesus cut his nails? No! His nails cut through him.

Jesus will be history when I realize he's behind me.

How did Jesus become self sovern? He screws himself and becomes his own creator.

What does Jesus have in common with Pinocchio?

They believe their own lies.

The second coming came and went. Jesus believed he was a Christian, therefore he could never be himself.

They say we will have eternal life when Jesus is no longer coming.

satan and the devil are alter egos

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture? You need only one nail to hang a picture.

What is Jesus’s Favorite Exercise?

Cross Fit

Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day. Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?”

Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.

“Jesus Christ almighty!” shouts Molly.

“Correct,” says the teacher.

The next day the teacher asks, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?”

Molly is again asleep and is poked by Jack’s pencil.

“Jesus Christ almighty!” she shouts.

“Correct again,” says the teacher.

The next day, for a 3rd time, Molly is asleep.

This time the teacher asks her, “What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?”

Jack pokes Molly with the pencil again, and this time Molly screams “If you stick that thing in me one more time I’m going to crack it in half!”

What do Jesus and a painting have in common? They hang by nails

What's the difference between Jesus and a dead, naked baby.

I don't worship Jesus.

therapist: So how depressed would you say you’ve been feeling lately?

Me: I don’t care anymore if my foot hangs over the bed where a monster can get it

Therapist [whispering]: Jesus, wow

The double slit experiment shows light particles are a wave that assemble in your presence. And you didn't even have to say a word!