Jesus jokes
What is Jesus's favorite exercise? Cross fit.
What do Jesus and a painting have in common?
They hang by nails.
What did Jesus say when they removed the nails from his hands?
"Feet! Feet!"
If Jesus told you to trust everyone, that must be why there are a lot of kidnappings.
What was Jesus' reaction when the first black person was born?
"Holy shit, I burnt one."
What is Jesus' favorite sport? CrossFit.
If I teach man he is the fish I caught, will I no longer be a fisher of men?
The double slit experiment shows light particles are a wave that assemble in your presence. And you didn't even have to say a word!
A Christian Missionary walks up to some people and says, "Come! Meet Jesus!"
One of the guys takes out a knife and says, "You first."
They say Jesus walked on water.
That's nothing. Stephen Hawking ran on batteries.
Adam and Eve had 3 male children, the only children on Earth. How did they reproduce?
Yo hairline so far back, it goes back to Jesus on the cross!
Guy: Why can't Jesus have M&M's?
Priest: Why?
Guy: Because they'll fall through the hole in his hands.
God's consciousness: Art.
God's unconsciousness: Christianity.
Therapist: So how depressed would you say you’ve been feeling lately?
Me: I don’t care anymore if my foot hangs over the bed where a monster can get it.
Therapist [whispering]: Jesus, wow.
Did Jesus cut his nails?
No! His nails cut through him.
Satan and the devil are alter egos.
What's the difference between Jesus and a holy whore?
Jesus got pegged against a cross.
How did Jesus become self-sovereign?
He screws himself and becomes his own creator.
Jesus will be history when I realize he's behind me.