Jesus

Jesus Jokes

Nail

What do Jesus and a painting have in common?

They hang by nails.

Nail

What did Jesus say when they removed the nails from his hands?

"Feet! Feet!"

Reaction

What was Jesus' reaction when the first black person was born?

"Holy shit, I burnt one."

Fisher

If I teach man he is the fish I caught, will I no longer be a fisher of men?

Slit

The double slit experiment shows light particles are a wave that assemble in your presence. And you didn't even have to say a word!

Missionary

A Christian Missionary walks up to some people and says, "Come! Meet Jesus!"

One of the guys takes out a knife and says, "You first."

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  • Guy

    Guy: Why can't Jesus have M&M's?

    Priest: Why?

    Guy: Because they'll fall through the hole in his hands.

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  • God

    God's consciousness: Art.

    God's unconsciousness: Christianity.

    Depression

    Therapist: So how depressed would you say you’ve been feeling lately?

    Me: I don’t care anymore if my foot hangs over the bed where a monster can get it.

    Therapist [whispering]: Jesus, wow.

    Difference

    What's the difference between Jesus and a holy whore?

    Jesus got pegged against a cross.

    Creator

    How did Jesus become self-sovereign?

    He screws himself and becomes his own creator.