Titanic: "And I'm nominating everyone on board for the Ice Bucket challenge!"
My aunt's star sign was Cancer, pretty ironic how she died.
She was eaten by a giant crab.
A child with cancer: "I want to be like you when I grow up." Doctor: "Oh, you're not going to grow up."
Hear about the restaurant called karma? There is no menu: You get what you deserve.
People in 1912: "Titanic is unstoppable, even God couldn't sink this ship."
God: "Bet, where are my icebergs?"
Suicide is the way to get even with the bitch called probability.
Why did the man say chickens were lucky?
Because they get killed and eaten.
My doctor said I only have 1 year to live, so I killed him. Got sentenced to life in prison, problem solved!
Smash or pass?
"Smash," said the iceberg.
TItanic:...
If messyourself was on the Titanic, he would die first.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To die.
An apple a day, or you'll die anyway.
My wife went to Niagara Falls and fell. She broke every bone in her body.
One year later, she recovered. She slipped on an orange peel and died.
You know when people say a joke about living?
That's because we are all living a joke.
Hey, Reaper!!! Where are you going?
"I finished my job."
What about me?
When they say you live by the sword, you die by the sword, not in Paul Walker's case. He lived by the car, died by a tree. Well, I guess the car was stumped.
A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bed. The daughter says, "God bless Mummy and God bless Daddy and God bless Grandma and good bye Grandad." The father says, "Good bye Grandad? Why is that?" The daughter says, "Just because I felt like it." The next day, Grandad drops dead.
The father can't believe the coincidence, but decided not to question it. That night, he listens to the daughter's prayers again. She says, "God bless Mummy and God bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma." The father is shocked again and asks his daughter why, but she says again, "Just because I felt like it." The next day, the Grandma drops dead and now the Father is getting worried but doesn't know what to do, so he tries to forget about it. That night, he listens to his daughter again and she says, "God bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy." The father is now terrified and goes to work the next day sweating, cancels all of his meetings, and hides in his office for the whole day. He doesn't go home and stays there until midnight. He's very surprised. 'I've cheated death!' he thinks to himself, then rushes home. His wife asks, "Where have you been?!" and the husband says, "Oh don't ask me any questions, today's been miserable." The wife replies, "Your days been miserable? Well, listen to my day! Firstly, the milk man drops dead on the porch..."
One day, in the Serengeti, a zebra started wondering if he was a white horse with black stripes, or a black horse with white stripes. So he goes around asking all the animals. He never gets his answer.
One fateful day, he dies and goes to Heaven. In Heaven, the zebra gets an idea. "I will go ask God!" So, he asks God, and God chuckles. "You are what you are!"
The zebra gets sad. He walks around and his dead zebra friend shows up. He asks, "What is wrong?" The zebra answers, "Well, I asked God if I was either a white horse with black stripes, or a black horse with white stripes. He just replied 'You are what you are!'"
His friend says, "Oh! You are a white horse with black stripes! Why? Because he would have said 'You is what you is!'"
So I was asleep and woke up and went to work. My wife left already to her job. I was driving my car and ran over someone. I woke up in my bed, realized it was all a dream.
20 minutes later I got a phone call that my wife got hit by a car.
Jesus saved me from eternal fate, but I didn't want to get saved. I was about to fight Satan on Final Destination before facing and kicking God's ass.
