Ives jokes

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!”

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

While I was out shopping, I tripped in a store and a lady would not stop staring at me. For fun, I said, "Sorry! It's been a while since I've possessed a body." She looked horrified.

Dads are like boomerangs... I hope!

Son: Dad, why is my name Experience? Dad: Son, Experience is the name we give our mistakes.

You won't eat a human, so why eat meat? Bold of you to presume I won't eat a person.

What is the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face for my birthday.

Here's a list of puns, not all of them are mine.

1. Smaller babies may be delivered by stork, but the heavier ones need a crane.

2. Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

3. My sister bet that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti. You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta.

4. Getting the ability to fly would be so uplifting.

5. Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”

6. Why was the cookie sad? Because his mom was a wafer long!

7. Why didn’t the cat go to the vet? He was feline fine!

8. How do you make a good egg-roll? You push it down a hill!

9. That baseball player was such a bad sport. He stole third base and then just went home!

10. My parents said I can’t drink coffee anymore. Or else they’ll ground me!

Lately, I’ve been wearing sunglasses when I have sex.

So I don’t get pepper sprayed.

I was struggling on a math test when a girl in a wheelchair leaned over and said, "Hey, this is the easiest thing I've done all day."

I was triggered, so the next day when we were doing the pledge, I leaned over and said, "This is the easiest thing I've done all day!"

I've been told I've got a perfect cock.

She sure was hard on me when I took it from her, though.

Me be straight and bored.

Goes to my local bar which has a glory hole.

Out up spending the rest of the night there.

About to leave when, motherfucker, I realize I've been sucking a guy's cock this whole time.

):

What is the difference between me and Paul Walker?

I’ve watched Fast and Furious Seven.

An Ob-Gyn asks a lady to put her feet up on the stirrups.

Doctor: My God, you have the biggest vagina I’ve ever seen!

Woman: You don’t have to say that twice.

Doctor: I didn’t.

I’ve just discovered that cock fighting is done with chickens.

12 months of training completely wasted.

A guy who just got robbed says, "I've been hacked, and the hacker ransomware!"

I could never fall out of a boat because I've already fallen for you.

What did the horse say after it tripped?

Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!

What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to the men he took home that said they were hungry? "I've got Ben and Jerry's in the freezer."

Hi! Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I've been so busy!!!! I miss y'all, though!

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.

One turns to the other and says, "I think I've lost my electron."

The other asks, "Are you sure?"

"Yes," the first says, "I'm positive!"

There's this smart way to sneak a calculator into school. I've heard of it. You take the calculator, put it in a gun magazine, put the magazine in the gun, and bring the gun to school!

Alex Stokes says, "Kat, I've seen you eat many foods!"

I don’t struggle with depression, at this point I’ve got it down. I’m good at depression.