Ives jokes

A guy who just got robbed says, "I've been hacked, and the hacker ransomware!"

What's the difference between COVID and 9/11?

I've never heard of someone dying in a car accident, and the media blaming it on 9/11.

What did the horse say after it tripped?

Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!

What is the difference between me and Paul Walker?

I’ve watched Fast and Furious Seven.

When you say to your friend, "I've got your back," then at his funeral you see in his coffin he's missing his middle piece.

The man had no arms and a little girl came over and said, "Give me a high-five."

He said, "I’ve got no arms," and the girl said, "Are you an eel? Cause he don’t have arms."

Two nuns are riding their bikes down a cobblestone path.

One nun turns to the other one and says, "I’ve never come this way."

The other one says, "Neither have I. It must be the cobblestones."

I've tried to like all of your jokes. They are funny 😆 and joshisboss, you are awesome. Keep up the good work 👍!

Play dead, they said.

Wasn't too hard.

I've been dead inside for years.

A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before, what can I get you?" "Pop," goes the weasel.

Hey guys, it's Hailey here.

I'ma start off with henlo ;-;

I know you guys aren't going to believe me because of the assholes who were faking to be me, but if you can try to believe me, I'll explain.

So, Jake, we can't really be together anymore, since we no longer can chat. I'm so sorry.

Basically, my parents caught us on here as you realized. Yayyyy.

I don't have time to say anything else. So I've gotta go, but thankyou guys for everything you did for me.

Also, you won't get any response from me so yea. So sorry guys ;-;

Two atom soldiers are fighting against an army. One gets shot. He cried out, "I'm hit! I think I've lost an electron!"

"Are you sure?" asks the other.

"I'm positive!"

*The doctor asking why I've broken 19 bones in the past week*

*My abusive mum- Go on, tell him!*

Well what am I gonna do now...

Me be straight and bored.

Goes to my local bar which has a glory hole.

Out up spending the rest of the night there.

About to leave when, motherfucker, I realize I've been sucking a guy's cock this whole time.

):

I’ve got a joke about Alzheimers.

Um.

Oh no. I can’t actually remember it.

One time I went to high-five someone. I've been left hanging ever since.

I'm having lunch on the roof of the Twin Towers, and the biggest plane I've ever seen is flying toward...

I've never seen my dad since September 11. I wonder where he is...

I told my friend to watch Naruto. It's been a week since I've seen him. Hope he comes back in one piece.

What did the dentist say to the butt?

"That's the largest cavity I've ever seen!"