INS jokes
Just before lockdown began, a woman took her 15-year-old son, Tom, and 14, 16, and 18-year-old daughters Sally, Mary, and Annie and went to the family cabin in the mountains to wait it out, while her husband stayed in town as an essential worker.
The weekly family Zoom call went well enough...until the 8th week when the father noticed the 14-year-old was looking a little...plump. By the 20th week, the 16-year-old's shirt was starting to pull taut over her tummy, by the 25th the curve of the 18-year-old's belly was rising over the edge of the table her laptop was perched on, and by the 30th week his wife and all 3 girls were very obviously 6 months pregnant, and the poor 14-year-old was so huge she was obviously having triplets.
So the father waited until he'd talked to his wife and daughters, and then asked if he could talk to his son alone.
"Look, I know your mom and the girls are all pregnant. I'm not mad, I just want to know how it happened. We don't have any neighbors up at the cabin, did you break quarantine and invite some hikers in, or go into town for supplies?"
"No, Pop, we haven't seen anyone since we left the city," his son told him earnestly. "And we sure haven't gone into town for supplies, I ran out of condoms on the second day here!"
How do you surprise a blind man? Put a plunger in the toilet.
What do a baby and a grenade have in common? They both make loud noises when thrown.
This guy walked into a pizzeria and ordered a water. The owner called him an idiot.
His girlfriend walked in and ordered a pineapple pizza.
The guy left her, and the owner made her leave.
What do birds and children have in common?
If you shoot them, they die.
W-what does, I mean uh, what is, um-, wh-what’s the difference, no... I mean- I mean what do you call a, um... sorry guys, i-i can’t do this. 😥🥺
*runs away in tears*
Your mum's so fat, she fell into the Grand Canyon and got stuck going down.
I must have raped a woman in a skip. She said she felt rubbish.
You have 10 to live.
“Wait, as in 10 minutes?”
10, 9, 8...
I have one policy, and that is to not make fun of black people.
Sorry, Jesus. You were white in the Bible pictures.
Playing soccer in a wheelchair is basically Rocket League in real life.
Where do astronauts 👩🚀 keep their sandwiches 🥪?
In their launch box! 🚀📦😂
What do Jesus and I have in common?
No one knows my real bday either.
If you're American coming into the bathroom,
And you're American coming out of the bathroom,
What are you in the bathroom?
European.
I hate it when people say to suck it up... I mean, sometimes I don’t want someone’s dick in my face.
Q: What do you do when an epileptic has a seizure in the bathtub?
A: Throw in some laundry.
What happens to Mary Poppins when the wind dies down?
*Mary Poppins seen falling in background*
Joe: What do the Leafs and the Titanic have in common?
Ben: I don't know.
Joe: They both look good until they hit the ice.
I just saw people writing "Zoophile," "Ailurophile," and "Dendrophilia" in their bios. I thought this was cool, but when I wrote "Necrophile" and "Pedophile," I don't know why people started hating me as if I did something wrong. I was just trying to be cool like them, man.
Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."