INS jokes
What do tomatoes 🍅 learn to do in a race?
Ketchup!
What does an Xbox/PlayStation and Michael Jackson have in common?
Kids turn them on.
Why can't all guys be more like Kenny? He doesn't get all upset when his mom isn't in the mood.
Police arrested a man who dropped his phone in the ocean. The was charged with a salt in battery.
Why did little Timmy dip the cookie in water?
"Because his dad never brought the milk."
I got my son a trampoline for his birthday. The ungrateful cunt sat in his wheelchair all day.
Why don't Asian kids believe in Santa Claus?
Because they're the ones who made the toys.
Who are the fastest readers in the world?
9/11 victims. They went through 80 stories in seconds.
What's the difference between oxygen and children? I don't have oxygen in my basement.
Why did the girl study in the tree? She wanted a higher education.
What do Princess Diana and a landmine have in common? Both are easy to lay. Both costly and time-consuming to get rid of.
What did Saint Peter say to Diana when she got to the pearly gates? "Wipe that Merc off your face."
I love it when candy canes are in mint condition.
What do you call a retreat in war?
A backup plan.
What do Ellen DeGeneres and homeless people have in common?
They don’t cook because they love eating out.
You watch 50 Shades of Grey, and you turn grey in bed.
1 and 2 fell in love. The 2 said, "You're the only 1 for me!"
I do consider Johnny Depp to be a victim of domestic violence.
Just like how I consider a children's hospital run by Michael Jackson and a retirement home run by Harold Shipman to be both safe places to be in.
What's the difference between McDonald's and a priest?
nothing... they both stick their meat in ten-year-old buns.
Where in hell is Lee Harvey Oswald now when we need him?
What's the similarity between Catholic Priests and McDonalds? They both like sticking their meat in 6-year-old buns.