Killing myself jokes

Someone asked me if I've ever tried to kill myself. I responded, "Absolutely. A few times actually. I'm just not very good at it."

You must be depression, because you make me want to kill myself ;)

Tried to kill myself today using a bungee cord, I kept ALMOST dying.

I tried to commit suicide today; never doing that again. I almost killed myself.

If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb up to the top of your ego and jump to your IQ.

If I wanted to kill myself, I would just climb up your ego and jump down to your IQ.

The suicide hotline didn't even give me advice on how to kill myself. Not helpful at all.

Technically, suicide is murder, and murder is illegal, so if I kill myself, my body should go to jail.

So, a man was on a ledge ready to kill himself because he got laid off at work and his girlfriend cheated on him. He was about to jump until he saw from a mountainside a little guy with no arms dancing around. So he thought, "Maybe my life ain't so bad." So he went to the mountainside. "Thank you," he said, "I was gonna jump off a bridge and kill myself until I saw you dancing, even though you have no arms. Dancing?" the armless man said bitterly, "My asshole itches and I can't scratch it."

When someone tells me to kill myself,

Panic! At The Disco: Don't Threaten Me With A Good Time.

My friend told me to "hang on" when I told him I wanted to kill myself.

Buddy, I’ll be hanging for sure, just you wait.

I told my psychiatrist I was going to go kill myself. He asked if I was paying for this appointment in check or cash.

Tried committing suicide last night...

Never doing that shit again, I almost killed myself!

Some people say I like heights; others say I'm a daredevil.

In reality, I like killing myself.

Kill yourself in any way. I'm killing myself the HIGHway.

This man has been through all kinda shit in his life. So one day, he finally looks at himself in the mirror and says, "If another person looks at me again, I'm going to kill myself." He looks at himself and no one ever heard from him again.

If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb to the top of your ego then jump to your IQ.

Mom: You will make me kill myself.

Me who has cut first: I'll kill myself ✨first✨!

The depressed kid walked into the counselor's office.

"I'm feeling like killing myself," he said.

"Oh no! Don't worry, sweetie, just hang in there!," the counselor responded.

So, a guy walks into a bar, and he tells the bartender, "After this last drink, I'm going to the roof to kill myself." A guy sitting next to him says, "I wouldn't do that if I were you." in which the man replies, "Oh yeah?" So, they both take their shots and go up to the roof. The guy says, "You're not gonna die, watch this!" He jumps off the roof and comes back up. The man rubs his eyes and tells him to go it again. He comes down and comes back up. The man says, "Cool, let me try!" and he jumps down only to kill himself. The guy goes back to the bar, and the bartender says, "Superman, you're an asshole."