Killing myself jokes

Am I the only one here that actually tried to kill myself 15 times and failed every time and landed up in the hospital every time?

I sexually identify as kilometers per second.

Cuz I really wanna km/s (kill myself).

- Sometimes I feel like killing myself...

- But?

- ...

Principal: “Why did you have to skip class? Because of that detention!”

Kid: “Whatever!”

Principal: “Why did you have to swear? Because of that one demerit!”

Kid: “Doesn't matter!”

Principal: “Why did you yell at a teacher and throw a chair at them? Because of that you're suspended!”

Kid: “Oh well!”

Principal: “Why did you have to push a kid down the stairs and kill them? Because of that you're expelled!”

Kid: “I'm trying not to kill myself!”

Tried committing suicide last night...

Never doing that shit again, I almost killed myself!

Mom: You will make me kill myself.

Me who has cut first: I'll kill myself ✨first✨!

I told my psychiatrist I was going to go kill myself. He asked if I was paying for this appointment in check or cash.

Kill yourself in any way. I'm killing myself the HIGHway.

I don't have much motivation for things, that's why I haven't yet killed myself, hehe.

I can’t wait for collage....

5 min later, ight I’m gonna go kill myself.

My mom said to go do the dishes, but she did them before me, so I killed myself.

A man comes to a bar and has a drink. Then his bully came to him and stole his drink. Then the bully asked, "What's wrong?"

The man said that "I'm trying to kill myself. I tried getting hit by a train, but the train went on a different track. Then I tried to jump off a bridge, but I fell on a boat full of pillows. Then I tried to poison myself."

Then the bully says, "Then what?" Then the man replied, "You just drank it." Then the man left.

The depressed kid walked into the counselor's office.

"I'm feeling like killing myself," he said.

"Oh no! Don't worry, sweetie, just hang in there!," the counselor responded.

I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said no, "Why the fuck would I adopt you?" and I said "I'm gonna kill myself," and she also said, "Make sure you do it right this time."

You must be depression, because you make me want to kill myself ;)

This man has been through all kinda shit in his life. So one day, he finally looks at himself in the mirror and says, "If another person looks at me again, I'm going to kill myself." He looks at himself and no one ever heard from him again.

Someone asked me if I've ever tried to kill myself. I responded, "Absolutely. A few times actually. I'm just not very good at it."

I've got not much of anything to be honest.

Been in special classes in school.

Not liked by people.

Only relationship I've ever had and she cheated on me.

31 years old and never had sex, pathetic.

Not very smart.

Don't look good.

Hate myself more than anything.

Been a failure at everything in life.

Probably be alone forever.

People treat me like crap.

Can't do anything right.

And the list goes on and on.

So the question is why haven't I killed myself yet? The answer is, I forget. I'm a extreme procrastinator, keep just putting it off because I'll probably just fuck it up anyway.

If I wanted to kill myself, I would just climb up your ego and jump down to your IQ.

Technically, suicide is murder, and murder is illegal, so if I kill myself, my body should go to jail.