Domestic Violence jokes

I started beating my washing machine because it wasn't working, my wife started crying.

My dad just found out and told my mom about one of their friends, Chad, who just murdered his wife, Claire. After doing that, he turned the gun on himself and committed suicide right after.

My mom's reply: "Jesus, Chad will do anything to get out of cleaning his mess, won't he?"

If Germany is the father land, and Russia is the mother land, would WWII just be domestic violence?

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing, you've told her twice.

What's the difference between Johnny Depp and Eminem? Eminem was never proven to beat his wife in court, but Johnny Depp was.

How many beaten children does it take to change a light bulb for a drunken father?

Apparently not enough to impress him.

What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?

Hit your wife harder.

I do consider Johnny Depp to be a victim of domestic violence.

Just like how I consider a children's hospital run by Michael Jackson and a retirement home run by Harold Shipman to be both safe places to be in.

I actually want peace, not war.

That's what I always try reminding my girlfriend before beating her up.

Why are people surprised by Johnny Depp having $30,000 wine bills, domestic violence accusations, rampant substance abuse, poor hygiene, and the looks of a predator?

He grew up a Florida Man, after all.

A man was hitting a woman with his d*ck. Someone ran up to the man and said, "That's domestic violence!" The man replied with, "No, it's not domestic violence, it's dumbass-d*ck violence!"

My sister told me only onions make you cry, so I always hit her back when she hit me, but I hit her with a shoe only to catch her cry.

So, if Russia was the motherland and Germany was the fatherland, what does that mean?

The Western Front is domestic violence.

There's a new cooking programme on BBC1. The contestants are victims of domestic violence. It's called "Can't Cook... Right Hook."

What do women and appliances have in common?

If they don't work, hit them until they work.

Why does Aaron cry at night? His alcoholic father beats him.

Why do lesbians have the highest rate of domestic violence?

Because women are emotional and full of drama.

I saw a guy beat his girlfriend to a pulp after his girlfriend threw a phone in his face. I offered to call an ambulance, but he said he was fine.

What did the man do when he caught his wife cheating on him?

He honor-killed her.

Not sure if domestic violence joke or penis size joke...