My little league football debut was a lot like the first time I had sex. I was beaten, bruised, and bloody, but at least my Dad came.
I tried to fight a razor. It cut me so deep I thought I would die.
Turns out he didn't kill me. I was never happy, but that shit made me angry.
My bad, I kick me bad in if balls, and he got so fucking mad.
My pet parrot had an accident and lost both his wings... he is being very brave about it though... he is totally unflappable.
There was a guy who got his whole left side shot off.
When he was at the hospital and he woke up, he asked the doctor if he was okay.
The doctor said, "You're all right now."
Dammit, I hanged off their nose off.
My grandma stubbed her toe in an elevator on September 21st.
John Kreese's forehead broke when silver hit 'em in the forehead.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To eat Bob's arms.
Bob went to hospital and had no arms.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Not Bob.
My friend: I want to cut myself.
Me: No, don’t do that. *hands lighter* Do this instead.
Goofy ahh grandpa fell down the stairs, and he said, "Damn!"
What's small and can't turn around in a hallway?
A baby with a javelin in its head!
"Daveon, stop screaming for help because I broke your kneecaps!"
My friend said she wanted to fly, so I pushed her off a building.
What is saw and bleeding and covered in bruises?
Your mum.
I slit my wrists.
A man walks into a bar and says, "Ouch!"
What will happen if someone kicks you right in the balls?
You will be like, "Ow, my nuts!"
"FUCK IT HURTS SO BAD PLEASE SEND AN AMBULANCE I CAN'T BREATHE (I am Paul Walker btw)"
Your forehead is so big you can jump without getting hurt.
