Idiom jokes
I am starting a business where I help people count. It is called making the little things count.
“Life is going swimmingly,”
“Tell that to Whitney Houston.”
"How does dry skin affect you at work?""You don’t have any elbow grease to put into it."
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Walnut. Walnut who? I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.
I broke the sink yesterday; the handle just blew right off! My dad was so mad, he blew his stack!
False.
Why is it that every time I masturbate, things get out of hand?
What did the tree say to the kid with a bike? "Take a hike!"
"Killed two birds with one stone"? Pfft, I once killed two people with one bullet.
That's a knee slapper, or should I say, a wheel slapper?
Is there anything worse than when it's raining cats and dogs? Yes, hailing taxis.
What did the booty say when it was asked to help?
"I've got your backside covered!"
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Madam.
Madam who?
Madam foot got caught in the door, can you please open it!
I once was sitting outside and watched the birds go by. I checked my watch and said, "My, how time is FLYING by!"
I rule my women with an IRON FIST!!
Yeah, literally an iron that my fist is clenching against her face.
Every moon has a silver lining.
Guys, you need to ketchup with the time.
What's an egg's favorite phrase?
An eggspression.
I may not be the brightest candle on the cake, but you can still blow me.
What did the chicken say to the turkey?
Nothing, he chickened out!
Why are a majority of rape allegations false?
Because whores like to cry wolf.