Count Jokes

THE FUNNY DUDE
in Adult

Jim’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.” “I can’t”, Jim responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.” “Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.” “Can’t do that either,” Jim responds, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.” “Ok,” the cop answers “then I will need a urine sample.” “Sorry,” says Jim “I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low.” “Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me.” “Can’t do that either” responds Jim. “Why not?” Demanded the exasperated cop. “Well, because I’m drunk!”

Kit-Kat
in Step

10 Fun Facts

  1. You can’t wash your eyes with soap.
  2. You can’t count your hair.
  3. You can’t breath through your nose with your tongue out.
  4. You just tried number 3.
  5. When you did number 3, you realized it’s possible, only you look like a dog.
  6. You’re smiling right now because you were fooled.
  7. You skipped number 5.
  8. You just checked to see if there is a number 5.
  9. Share this with your friends to have some fun too :-)
Anonymous

Today in math class we had to do an activity where we had to flip coins. The teacher said that we had to flip some coins, remove all of the heads, count them, and put the rest of the coins back in the cup and repeat until we had no coins left. I’m not sure what we were supposed to get out of that activity, but I got 15 dead bodies.

3
Anonymous

I can count the number of times I’ve been to Chernobyl on one hand. – It’s seven.

5
Anonymous
in Computer

Bill Gates teaches a kindergarten class to count to ten. “1, 2, 3, 3.1, 95, 98, ME, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10.”

Anonymous
in Woman

A guy goes into his attic to clean it out and finds an old oil lamp. He thinks he could sell it instead of throwing it away, so he starts to rub it and out pops this genie. The genie says to him " Thank you for awakening me, I can grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude." The guy wishes for a billion dollars, the genie grants it. The guy then asks for a huge mansion with 2 Lamborghinis and 2 Ferraris, the genie grants it. The genie says “This is your last wish so really make this one count.” The guys says “Well I’ve always wanted to drive out to hawaiian islands, because airplanes scare me to death, so I would want a highway that could stretch from here all the way to the islands.” The Genie says “That is asking for quite a lot and I’m not sure if I can pull that off, Is there anything else you’d want?” The guy says "Well I’ve been married and divorced three times, and I just can’t understand what I’ve been doing wrong. I’ve given my ex-wives all the love and care that I could but in the end it was never enough. I would want to have the ability to understand women. The genie thinks for a few moments and says “Do you want a three or four lane highway?”

3
Anonymous
in Roast

Girl: how much do you love me Me: count the stars in the sky Girl awww it’s infinite Me no just a waste of time

Anonymous

Why was Hitler bad at math?

He could only count to nein.

0
):)
in Orphan

There is only 363 days in a year for orphans because mother and farthers day don’t count

Anonymous

How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?

When your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.

2
Aiden
in Savage

Bf:what do you think about our love?

Gf:count the stars in the sky

Bf:aww its infinity

Gf:nope just a waste of time

Anonymous
in Animal

How do you count cows? – With a cowculator.

5
RallyCat
in Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris counted to infinity TWICE

GF: What do you think of our love?

BF: Count the stars in the sky.

GF: Aww… It’s infinity!

BF: Nope. It’s just a waste of time.

Anonymous

What do you call a prostitute with a major in math?

The thot that counts

coryxkenshin
in Depression

how do you help a depressed kid face their fears… u count to 3 and say jump>

Anonymous

I asked a Scottish friend of mine how many sexual partners he’d had. He started counting but fell asleep.

Ur mom
in Emo

Emo kids counting be like: 1,2,3 come hang with me! 4,5,6 Gonna get new slits! 7,8,9 Suicide! 10,11,12 Bring some pills!

KK

You use your legs as support you count on your fingers

Anonymous
in Calculator

What did the calculator say to the student? You can always count on me.