Idiom jokes
Stephen Hawking can't walk the walk or talk the talk.
What did the tree say to the kid with a bike? "Take a hike!"
What did Stephen Hawking's mum say to him when he asked for £10?
"You can take a run and jump!"
What did the chicken say when he saw a human running around uncontrollably?
"It's running around like a chicken with its head cut off!"
What did the chicken say to the turkey?
Nothing, he chickened out!
What's an egg's favorite phrase?
An eggspression.
What did the booty say when it was asked to help?
"I've got your backside covered!"
“Life is going swimmingly,”
“Tell that to Whitney Houston.”
"Orange you glad I made it?"
What do you get when you stuff some cows into a food container?
A can o' bull.
Bitches be like, "Read the room."
What genre is that in?
Make like a drum and beat it!
What do you tell a depressed person?
Just hang in there!
That's a knee slapper, or should I say, a wheel slapper?
I just found out I'm colorblind. News came out of the purple.
I still remember the last thing my grandfather said before kicking the bucket: "Hey, wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?"
Once I took a test on waving signal flags.
They said I passed with flying colors.
Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.
They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."
Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.
He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they're doing.
"Well, we can't pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!"
Satan realizes he's been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it's at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth.
He knows he's won now, so he goes back to the Canadians' room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.
He shouts at them in fury, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!"
They look at him and shout at the same time, "Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!"
Guys, you need to ketchup with the time.
Why is it that every time I masturbate, things get out of hand?