Candle jokes

After a lord comes back from vacation, he meets the gardener at the gates of his park.

Lord: "Has something happened while I was gone?"

Gardener: "Ah, nothing much, I just broke a shovel while I was burying your dog."

Lord: "My dog died?!"

Gardener: "Yes, it choked on the smoke when your mansion burnt down."

Lord: "My mansion?! How?!"

Gardener: "Well, your wife was distraught and dropped a candle on the curtains."

Lord: "Why was she so distraught?"

Gardener: "She received the news of your daughter being kidnapped."

Lord: "My daughter! Don't you have any positive news for me?!"

Gardener: "Oh right! Your cancer test results!"

Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”

Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”

What do you call a candle in armor?

A knight light.

How do you know it’s a gay guy’s birthday?

Depends how hard they blow out the candles.

A black dude shows up to a job interview for a watermelon farmhand gig, resume full of fried chicken joint experience. The boss asks, "Why should I hire you?" He stutters, "Uh, I got skills in... uh..." Before he can finish, a hulk-like, veiny, muscular, giant transgender man storms in, straps him to the interview desk with velvet cuffs, drips hot wax on his back from a candle shaped like a massive dick, and rams his ass relentlessly while whispering, "Welcome to the team, bitch. Your probation starts now."

The more I light my lighter, the lighter my lighter gets, until it's too light to light.

What were the candles doing at a birthday party?

Getting lit.

What is the difference between an orphan and a candle?

One is used.

What is tall when it's young but short when it's old?

A candle or a pencil!

What song was played at the flatulent centenarian's birthday? Candle in the Wind!

What kind of birthday cake do you get on September 11th?

Three small ones, so you can have a flight of different cake flavors!

What did one candle say to the other?

"Want to go out tonight?"

A lawyer bought a beautiful yacht. He invited the law firm to come aboard for a great weekend.

Saturday night was the candle light dinner and Sam drank too much, walked on the deck and fell over the rail into the water and was calling for help. Tom said, "Oh no, the sharks will get him." All of the party lined along the rail and noticed the sharks were swimming around him in a circle. Jim said, "The sharks are not even bothering him!" And a shark lifted up his head out of the water and said, "Professional Courtesy."

A woman exclaims that she was robbed. She was reading in the dark, candles were next to her. She says the thief opens her cabin of jewelry and leaves and enters from the window. He left the window open so she feels a drift of wind coming towards her. She turns the lights on and sees what happened.

The candle wax was going down straight. A policeman closes the window and cabin then tells her she's lying just for the cash reward. Why?

Because if the drift of wind came in, the candle wax would be dripping to the side, not straight!

I don't ever really bother women, but when I do, I usually just want to talk. I guess since I just so happened to be a straight male that's not a 10 or a 5, I get shutdown so fast. I put out lit candles...like damn, I thought I hid my ring.

I’m tall when I’m young, and I’m short when I’m old. What am I?

Why is Daisy afraid of candles?

Watch my videos and find out!!! 🤸‍♀️🕯📷💰😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈

Why do candles like birthdays?

Because they can get lit!

Yesterday I went to a party at my friend’s house. Everyone was dressed as birthday candles. It was a blowout.

I used to work at a candlestick factory, but only on the wickends! It was illuminating!