Idiom jokes

I am starting a business where I help people count. It is called making the little things count.

I wanted to make a joke about dandruff.

People are still scratching their heads over it.

Steve Jobs would've been a better president than Trump...

But I guess comparing apples to oranges is unfair.

Someone told me I looked gay today. I told him that my clothes just came out of the closet this morning.

Bitches be like, "Read the room."

What genre is that in?

“Life is going swimmingly,”

“Tell that to Whitney Houston.”

Why is it that every time I masturbate, things get out of hand?

I rule my women with an IRON FIST!!

Yeah, literally an iron that my fist is clenching against her face.

I just found out I'm colorblind. News came out of the purple.

What did the booty say when it was asked to help?

"I've got your backside covered!"

Call me a worn-out sweater because I’m hanging on by a thread.

That’s about to become a rope around my neck.

What happens when you have dry elbows at work?

You don't have any elbow grease to put into it.

"How does dry skin affect you at work?""You don’t have any elbow grease to put into it."

Guys, you need to ketchup with the time.

Is there anything worse than when it's raining cats and dogs? Yes, hailing taxis.

Stolen dad jokes: "I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered."

Why do we tell actors to break a leg?

Cause every play has a cast.

Do y'all know the saying "Hang in there?" Well, fuck that, because I might as well be hanging myself.

What do you tell a depressed person?

Just hang in there!

"I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered!"