I just found out I'm colorblind. News came out of the purple.
What did the booty say when it was asked to help?
"I've got your backside covered!"
Call me a worn-out sweater because I’m hanging on by a thread.
That’s about to become a rope around my neck.
"How does dry skin affect you at work?""You don’t have any elbow grease to put into it."
Guys, you need to ketchup with the time.
Is there anything worse than when it's raining cats and dogs? Yes, hailing taxis.
Why do we tell actors to break a leg?
Cause every play has a cast.
Do y'all know the saying "Hang in there?" Well, fuck that, because I might as well be hanging myself.
What do you tell a depressed person?
Just hang in there!
I still remember the last thing my grandfather said before kicking the bucket: "Hey, wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?"
Once I took a test on waving signal flags.
They said I passed with flying colors.
I may not be the brightest candle on the cake, but you can still blow me.
I still remember the last thing Gaster said before he kicked the bucket, it was, "Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?" (Sans)
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Walnut. Walnut who? I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.
Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.
They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."
Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.
He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they're doing.
"Well, we can't pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!"
Satan realizes he's been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it's at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth.
He knows he's won now, so he goes back to the Canadians' room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.
He shouts at them in fury, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!"
They look at him and shout at the same time, "Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!"
Teacher makes 1 kid recite the ABCs and the other count to 10.
Teacher: You can kill 2 birds with 1 stone.
Little Johnny goes home and throws a rock at two birds. One dies. He gives his dad a concussion from the rock hitting his head.
Johnny at school: You can kill a bird and give a man a concussion.
If wishes were horses, Beggars would ride.
If turnips were watches, I would wear one by my side.
And if if's and an's were pots and pans, The tinker would never work!
What do you call a wild cow in a shop with old things?
A bull in a china shop.
"Killed two birds with one stone"? Pfft, I once killed two people with one bullet.
Why was the sun ☀️ mad at the clouds ☁️?
Because the clouds kept throwing shade.
