Idiom jokes
I rule my women with an IRON FIST!!
Yeah, literally an iron that my fist is clenching against her face.
I just found out I'm colorblind. News came out of the purple.
Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.
They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."
Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.
He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they're doing.
"Well, we can't pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!"
Satan realizes he's been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it's at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth.
He knows he's won now, so he goes back to the Canadians' room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.
He shouts at them in fury, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!"
They look at him and shout at the same time, "Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!"
Stolen dad jokes: "I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered."
That's a knee slapper, or should I say, a wheel slapper?
6:30 has to be the best time, hands down.
I broke the sink yesterday; the handle just blew right off! My dad was so mad, he blew his stack!
Q: What do you get when you drop all your potato chips in your couch somewhere?
A: A couch potato. HaHaHa
I still remember the last words my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket. He said, “Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
What did the pot say to the kettle?
"To lick the s*** spoon."
Do y'all know the saying "Hang in there?" Well, fuck that, because I might as well be hanging myself.
Curiosity killed the cat.
But for a while, I was a suspect.
What idiot said to Stephen Hawking, "You can't run before you can walk"?
"Killed two birds with one stone"? Pfft, I once killed two people with one bullet.
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?”
Because every play has a cast.
I may not be the brightest candle on the cake, but you can still blow me.
I am starting a business where I help people count. It is called making the little things count.
What did Katie say when her house burnt down?
"HOLY SMOKES!"
Why does a movie set say "break a leg"? Because they have a cast.
Why do we tell actors to break a leg?
Cause every play has a cast.