Humor

Me: *Calls friend* "Dude, I just fell off a 50-foot ladder!"

Friend: "Bro, you ok?!"

Me: "Yeah, lucky I only fell off the first step!"

Roses are red.

I have free candy. Get in my van. I have free candy!

Jerry Garcia: I’m going on a TRIP today!

Bob Weir: Where are you going?

Jerry Garcia: I’m already on it. 😯🦄🌈

What kind of poops do ghosts take? A spooky dookie.

So I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back...

Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

Your momma's so dumb, she took her driving lesson on a dinosaur.

If you punch an orphan, they can't do anything; they can't tell their parents.

These jokes are EGGxactly why I became a comedian, and I know how to BAKE on breakfast.

2 jokes in a row babyyyyy!

What’s an orphan’s least favorite shoe?

Fuller House😂

What would an orphan call a family picture? A self-ie.

My friend that used to be married was making jokes about me being short. Then I told him, "Your marriage was so short it made me look like Shaquille O'Neal."

What do the Flintstones and the building next to the Twin Towers have in common? They both live next to the rubble.

You are so fat that Big Chungus looks like a small Chungus.

Why are nuts on boys?

Whenever you see an orphan taking a selfie, photo bomb him and say, "Family photo!"

Did you know the "f" in "orphan" stands for family because there is no "f" in orphan.

Orphans are human too! They have parents like all of us, so I don't know why they're saying it's fun to make fun of an orphan. Have you ever been too cold and wondered if your parents are going to have another child and not you? That's not funny! It is %9000,000 NO!!!!!!!!!!

If you are a banana, why don't you eat a banana?

Oh right, you'd be a cannibal. I mean a banan-i-ball.

Q: What did the DNA say to the other DNA?

A: Do these genes make my butt look fat? 💩

I have a taste for some roast duck until the feathers will pop right out and say, "Quack, quack."