Humor
Cremation. My final hope for a smokin’ hot body!
A young boy enters a barber shop, and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied:
"Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!"
It's funny how Stephen Hawking sounds like Stephen walking or Stephen talking, but he can't do any of those things.
I once fought with a man in a wheelchair.
He couldn't stand a chance.
If having sex for money makes you a wh*re, then what does having sex for free make you?
Non-profit wh*reganisation.
Let me tell you a joke about pizza!
Never mind...
It's too cheesy.
It's only okay to beat up a dwarf when they walk up to your wife and say, "Your hair smells nice."
A cat gets its tail run over, and its mother assured him it’ll be okay. “You just have to stay PAW-sitive!”
The mother was later killed in her sleep because her son hates puns. At the funeral, one of her daughters said, “You have CAT to be KITTEN me right MEOW!”
Guess who dies next.
Knock knock. Who's there? Abajo. Abajo who? I have abajo of water with me.
Are you enjoying my yolks? I bet they're making you crack up. If not, I better scramble.
A guy tried to suffocate himself with his BMW exhaust, but his engine failed.
This is the first time German engineering fails to gas someone.
I, for one, wish Donald Trump was President again. It's been a while since we had a presidential assassination.
Yo mama is so fat, she brought a pencil to early intervention!
So I went to my friend's funeral today. As we were all leaving, a kid put a "get well soon" card next to my friend's grave. 'Poor kid'.
A roman walks into a bar and holds up 2 fingers and says, "Five beers, please!"
Arsenal
I wish I could say that my life is a joke, but I can't because jokes have a meaning.
What do you call an octopus with eight legs? An octo-pussy!
I bought a coffin on Black Friday. It was a killer deal.
What is red, pink, yellow, green, orange?
A black woman dressed for church.