Humor

What did the guy with two hands say to the guy with one hand?

"Hi-five!"

The lady was so fat that when she stepped on the scale, the scale responded with, "I need your weight, not your phone number!"

What does Kobe and the Twin Towers have in common?

The pilots just couldn't stick the landing.

Wow, that was explosive!

Man, I'm on fire 🔥 today!

Why did the pedo stop to help the little kids cross the street?

To get them in his van.

Wife is texting husband:

"Honey, if I give you 300 dollars, will you stop being blind?"

Husband: "seilghsielguG"

Wife: "Seriously, David?"

Husband: "fuweyadb"

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan.

Why was the Chinese laundry joke not funny? It had no irony.

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

because skeletons aren't alive and can't move, so it's impossible for him to cross the road.

What do you call a black person?

Dark humor.

Imagine there’s a funny joke here. Imagine it? Great! Now check yourself into an insane asylum because you’re schizophrenic.

Why should you never fart in an Apple store?

Because they have no Windows!

Where do pencils go on holiday?

Pencilvania! (Pennsylvania)

What kind of pictures do turtles take?

Shelfies.

What do you call it when Portericans surround your house?

A spicket fence!

I'd tell you a 9/11 joke, but it'd fly over your head and into the Twin Towers.

Men.

Women: Can I have your number?

Jesus: No.

Women: Why? Are you scared?

Jesus: No. Just when you wanna talk, just pray.

What’s the difference between an orphan and a baseball field?

One has a home.

Officer: Hi, how high are you?

Pothead: No officer, it's "how are you?"

Officer: Oh, I'm sorry, I've been high since last night.

Pothead: Cool, I'd like to give you some weed, happy 420, sir.

Officer: Omg, thanks man, appreciate that.

Imagine when you are about to cry at the funeral, then your friend's phone rings.

Then he says, "I'll call you back, I'm still at the die."