Humor

What does Kobe and the Twin Towers have in common?

The pilots just couldn't stick the landing.

Wow, that was explosive!

Man, I'm on fire 🔥 today!

Wife is texting husband:

"Honey, if I give you 300 dollars, will you stop being blind?"

Husband: "seilghsielguG"

Wife: "Seriously, David?"

Husband: "fuweyadb"

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

because skeletons aren't alive and can't move, so it's impossible for him to cross the road.

Why was the Chinese laundry joke not funny? It had no irony.

You don't need brains to be a Boss.

When the body was first created, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control all of the body's responses and functions."

The feet said, "We should be Boss since we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."

The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."

Finally, the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So, the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time, the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic, and the brain fevered. Eventually, they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Moral Of The Story: You don't need a brain to be a Boss----any asshole will do.

Your mom finds a mirror on the scrapyard and says, "I would have thrown away a picture like that, too!"

Why take a nap on the toilet?

Because it's a restroom.

Where do pencils go on holiday?

Pencilvania! (Pennsylvania)

Why should you never fart in an Apple store?

Because they have no Windows!

Eggs

You crack me up!

What kind of pictures do turtles take?

Shelfies.

What’s the difference between Juice WRLD and George Floyd?

Nothing, they both can’t breathe.

What do you call it when Portericans surround your house?

A spicket fence!

What’s the difference between an orphan and a baseball field?

One has a home.

Officer: Hi, how high are you?

Pothead: No officer, it's "how are you?"

Officer: Oh, I'm sorry, I've been high since last night.

Pothead: Cool, I'd like to give you some weed, happy 420, sir.

Officer: Omg, thanks man, appreciate that.

Imagine when you are about to cry at the funeral, then your friend's phone rings.

Then he says, "I'll call you back, I'm still at the die."

Women: Can I have your number?

Jesus: No.

Women: Why? Are you scared?

Jesus: No. Just when you wanna talk, just pray.

What do you call a Russian rifle that went 1 rank down?

An AK-46.

I'd tell you a 9/11 joke, but it'd fly over your head and into the Twin Towers.

Men.