Humor

Imagine there’s a funny joke here. Imagine it? Great! Now check yourself into an insane asylum because you’re schizophrenic.

Why did the little boy fall off the swing? Because he had no arms or legs.

What did the little boy get for Christmas? Cancer.

Why did the little boy drop his ice cream? He got hit by a bus.

Knock knock.....Who’s there... Not the little boy.

There was a penguin breathing with his ass. One day, he sat down and he died.

What’s the difference between a bleeding child and a bleeding chimpanzee?

They're both crazy and now dead.

Why take a nap on the toilet?

Because it's a restroom.

My puns drive people nuts; this is usually when I bolt away.

What do you call it when Portericans surround your house?

A spicket fence!

Your mom finds a mirror on the scrapyard and says, "I would have thrown away a picture like that, too!"

What do you call a black person?

Dark humor.

What do you call an abo with a shotgun?

Sir.

Ok, I put one penny down. Do you smell anything?

1 scent.

I put two pennies down. Do you see any fruit?

2 pears.

I put three pennies down. Do you see any law enforcement?

3 coppers.

I put four pennies down. Do you see any cars?

4 Lincolns.

I put five pennies down. Do you see any pussies?

NOT FOR 5 CENTS YOU DONT!

My name is Gwen, and I say rape jokes aren't funny. It's not funny for people to have sex with you without you agreeing. Also, they're getting old and NOT FUNNY! If anyone has something to say, please do. Comment if you agree or not. It's okay; I want to hear what you say. Just tell me if they are not funny.

We will have a contest to see how many people comment on saying they're good and funny, or people saying they're bad and terrible jokes and should not be made. May the best votes and comments win.

1. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

2. Why did the melon jump into the lake? It wanted to be a water-melon.

3. What did the duck say when it bought lipstick? “Put it on my bill.”

4. What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.

5. What has a bed that you can’t sleep in? A river.

6. Why were the teacher’s eyes crossed? She couldn’t control her pupils.

7. What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? An Envelope.

8. How does the ocean say hello? It waves.

9. What lights up a soccer stadium? A soccer match.

10. What creature is smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee.

11. Which U.S. state has the smallest soft drinks? Minnesota (as in, “mini-soda”).

12. Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek? Because he was always spotted.

13. Apparently, you can’t use “beef stew” as a password. It’s not stroganoff.

14. Why did the drum take a nap? It was beat.

15. Where do hamburgers go dancing? They go to the meat-ball.

16. Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing.

17. Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil? Because it’s pointless.

What is black and blue and really hates sex?

The six-year-old in my basement.

Orphan: Shooting gun at shooting range, "I'm out of bullets, got a magazine?"

Guy: That's probably because you're single.

My grandfather had the heart of a lion,

and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Why did Stephen Hawking die? He lost WiFi connection.

Why are bald eagles bald? Because you're bald!

What is red, bubbling, and scratching at a window?

A baby in the microwave.

What's the difference between Paul Walker and my computer?

When my computer crashes, I actually give a fuck.