Humor

My boyfriend thinks he’s hilarious.

Him: How do you break things?

Me: You break things up.

Him: Okay.

Me: Is everything okay?

Him: We’re a twig. We’re breaking up.

I would say something funny, but I would have to dig someone up.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Pizza.

Pizza who?

Never mind, it was so cheesy.

It’s disappointing that Los Angeles doesn’t offer better transportation, especially since my neighbor offers free mustache rides every night.

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

Christopher Walken.

Those t.p. jokes are getting shittier by the second.

Beast joke ever: my life... Oh wait, I don't have one.

Aren't my egg yolks amazing? Don't they make you crack up? If not, I better scramble!

I love escalator jokes. There's not too many steps.

What do you call Stephen Hawking on pot?

Pot wheels.

Why can’t October fool April?

Because only April fools.

Why did the banana go to the doctor?

Because he wasn't peeling very well!

First human comes.

Sans: That was pun intended.

What sound does a nut make when it sneezes? Cashew.

What are cow jokes considered?

Cheesy.

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N. Oh my gosh, I'm peeing on my shoe, no one knows about it yet!

My mom asked my doctor, "Why is my unvaccinated baby crying?"

The doctor replied, "He's going through a midlife crisis."

I just got a text on my cell. Bone be right back ;)

Bitches be like "you're racist." You're right, and I'm gonna win.

Q: What’s the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl?

A: You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.

What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?

A nervous wreck.