Humor
Most people smother babies with love.
I smother them with pillows.
Kobe Bryant and 9/11 are two things I don't joke about because when I do, they tend to crash and burn.
Why doesn't Helen Keller's kid have ears? She gave it its first haircut!
What’s the difference between a prostitute and a hockey player?
A hockey player gets to shower after three periods.
Q: Why can orphans swim?
A: They have or-fins.
Memes
These are all really nice jokes, but here is one.
Boy: Spell ME.
Girl: M-E.
Boy: You forgot the D.
Girl: There is no D in ME.
Boy: Not yet.
What do you call cows that have a sense of humor? -- Laughing stock.
What do you get when you cross a German and a Mexican? A “BeanerSchnitzel”!
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”
The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”
How did Jesus like his chicken?
Crucifried.
How many Quebecers does it take to change a lightbulb?
4!
One to hold the bulb, two to turn the chair he's standing on, and one to sing "Alouette, gentille alouette!"
Be warned, if you are in the shower, I might pikachu and it's not my fault if I see any jigglypuffs.
The irony of metal jokes is pretty fun. But it leads to a lot of people stealing them.
A cardboard belt is a waste of paper.
One time I saw a manatee all spray painted to look like a tiger. Needless to say, the first thing I yelled was, "OH! THE HUMANATEE!"
Two priests are in a bar. One says to the other priest, "I'll swap you two fives for a ten."
- I think you're EGGcellent.
+ Wow... You really CRACK ME UP with that joke. I think you're a EGGxtraordinary comedian.
- Really? Are you done yet?.
+ Are you kidding? I have a DOZEN of them.
Incest is wincest. (That was above.)
Fun for the whole family!
Next of kin, count me in!
My doctor is a very attractive woman; gorgeous face, nice boobs, smoking hot body. She said to me, “You are in your 50’s now, you have GOT to stop masturbating.” I asked why. She replied, “Because I’m trying to examine you, ya’ pervert!!!”
What do you call a short cow in tall grass? Udderly tickled :)