Humor
When an asteroid is coming to kill us all:
98.9% of the population: OMG, we're all gonna die!
1% of the population: Eh... I never had any friends anyway.
Alia: ROLL THE INTRO!
What did one needle say to the other?
"You be looking sharp!"
How does Moses make his cup of tea?
He brews it.
Why don’t mountains take things seriously?
Because they’re hill areas.
Most people smother babies with love.
I smother them with pillows.
Why doesn't Helen Keller's kid have ears? She gave it its first haircut!
What’s the difference between an LGBTQ and brain cells?
Brain cells make up their mind.
Q: Why can orphans swim?
A: They have or-fins.
These are all really nice jokes, but here is one.
Boy: Spell ME.
Girl: M-E.
Boy: You forgot the D.
Girl: There is no D in ME.
Boy: Not yet.
What do you call cows that have a sense of humor? -- Laughing stock.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”
The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”
How did Jesus like his chicken?
Crucifried.
What do you call a black comedian?
Dark Humor.
A cardboard belt is a waste of paper.
Incest is wincest. (That was above.)
Fun for the whole family!
Next of kin, count me in!
Two priests are in a bar. One says to the other priest, "I'll swap you two fives for a ten."
How many Quebecers does it take to change a lightbulb?
4!
One to hold the bulb, two to turn the chair he's standing on, and one to sing "Alouette, gentille alouette!"
Be warned, if you are in the shower, I might pikachu and it's not my fault if I see any jigglypuffs.
One time I saw a manatee all spray painted to look like a tiger. Needless to say, the first thing I yelled was, "OH! THE HUMANATEE!"
The irony of metal jokes is pretty fun. But it leads to a lot of people stealing them.