Humor
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile? Your face muscles.
What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller? -- "Curses! Foil again!"
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?
Because the "p" is silent.
A brunette fought and didn't get raped.
A blonde thought and did get raped.
Me to my friend: I only date suicidal girls.
My friend: Why?
Me: Because that pussy is limited edition.
Memes
I got an Xbox achievement the other day. It said "Trash Master," and everyone looked at me at the funeral.
What's the difference between kinky and perverted? Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you use the whole bird.
Dad and Mom: -takes one look at Child-
Dad and Mom: "We don't want him."
Orphan: And I took that, personally.
What's the difference between my wife and a battery? I can't use a battery when it dies.
Why does Sans like puns so much? Probably because he finds them humorous.
Let’s say there’s a person who should have never come to exist. How would you find them?
A: Look in a mirror.
I was walking down Main Street when I saw a child.
I told him, "I will give you 20$ if you get my balls back from the vet."
He replied, "Why did they take your balls sir?"
"Beer plus going to the vet does not work well for everybody, especially when you're a furry."
Why is Mars red? Because it saw Uranus! 😂
How can you tell that a website was made by an orphan?
It doesn’t have a home page.
When her head game is so strong, she sucks the chromosome right out of you.
Why can't Chinese play baseball?
Because they eat the bats.
What do you call a mountain of kittens?
A meowtain.
Doctor approaches a patient in Hospital and says, "I have some good news and bad news."
So the patient says, "What is the bad news?" the Doctor replies, "I have had to amputate both your legs." So the patient says, "Well, what is the good news?" The Doctor replies, "I have found someone to buy your slippers."
A man sees a crying woman by a pond. She is in a wheelchair and has no arms or legs.
He asks her why she is crying, and she answers that she has never been hugged. Feeling pity, he hugs her, then jogs away.
The next day, he finds her crying again, and she says she has never been kissed. The man kisses her and jogs away again.
On the third day, the man sees her crying and asks her thrice. She tells him she has never been fucked. The man picks her up and throws her in the pond, telling her, "You're fucked now!"
What's the same between a pregnant 14 year old and her fetus? They're both saying "Oh my god, my mom's gonna kill me!"