Humor
Why doesn't Helen Keller's kid have ears? She gave it its first haircut!
Kobe Bryant and 9/11 are two things I don't joke about because when I do, they tend to crash and burn.
Most people smother babies with love.
I smother them with pillows.
What’s the difference between an LGBTQ and brain cells?
Brain cells make up their mind.
These are all really nice jokes, but here is one.
Boy: Spell ME.
Girl: M-E.
Boy: You forgot the D.
Girl: There is no D in ME.
Boy: Not yet.
What’s the difference between a prostitute and a hockey player?
A hockey player gets to shower after three periods.
Q: Why can orphans swim?
A: They have or-fins.
What do you call cows that have a sense of humor? -- Laughing stock.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”
The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”
How did Jesus like his chicken?
Crucifried.
What do you call a short cow in tall grass? Udderly tickled :)
What do you call a black comedian?
Dark Humor.
Incest is wincest. (That was above.)
Fun for the whole family!
Next of kin, count me in!
How many Quebecers does it take to change a lightbulb?
4!
One to hold the bulb, two to turn the chair he's standing on, and one to sing "Alouette, gentille alouette!"
Two priests are in a bar. One says to the other priest, "I'll swap you two fives for a ten."
A cardboard belt is a waste of paper.
The irony of metal jokes is pretty fun. But it leads to a lot of people stealing them.
One time I saw a manatee all spray painted to look like a tiger. Needless to say, the first thing I yelled was, "OH! THE HUMANATEE!"
Be warned, if you are in the shower, I might pikachu and it's not my fault if I see any jigglypuffs.
What do you call 2 homeless people throwing rocks at each other? "Pillow Fight!"