Humor
How does Moses make his cup of tea?
He brews it.
Why don’t mountains take things seriously?
Because they’re hill areas.
You want to hear a rape joke? Yeah. Damn you ruined it.
My friend was told by her doctor that she was morbidly obese.
As if she doesn't have enough on her plate.
A collection of 911 jokes.
What kinda pizza did they order at 911?
Plane.
What was the color of 911?
Plane.
What is the fastest way to see 911?
Plane.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Queen.
Queen who?
You don't know the queen? You're crazy!
What do you call an Indian with pink hair?
Ghandi floss.
I don't struggle with depression. Like at this point I got it down. I'm good at depression.
What’s the difference between peanut butter and a dead baby?
Dogs only lick peanut butter off private parts.
Kid: Mom, what’s dark humor?
Mom: Do you see that man without arms over there? Tell him to clap.
Kid: But, Mom, I’m blind!
Mom: Exactly.
What did the priest say to the skunk?
Let us spray.
What do you call a vagina with teeth?
A vicious cunt.
What do you call a Chinese rich man? Cha-ching!
The blind person can’t eat fish, it’s “sea food”.
Friend: Wanna hear a joke?
Other Friend: Sure.
Friend: Pussy.
Other Friend: I don't get it.
Friend: And you never will.
My dad has the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
Most people smother babies with love.
I smother them with pillows.
Why doesn't Helen Keller's kid have ears? She gave it its first haircut!
Some guy farts and says, "That was some asshole behind me."
These are all really nice jokes, but here is one.
Boy: Spell ME.
Girl: M-E.
Boy: You forgot the D.
Girl: There is no D in ME.
Boy: Not yet.