Humor
I rate you 9 out of 10, because I'm the 1 you need.
What do you call a religious drug addict?
A crystal methodist.
I bought a coffin on Black Friday. It was a killer deal.
Yo mama so ugly, when I put her next to a naked mole rat, it said "bluetooth connected."
You know how bad of a person you are when you figure out how long you wait to smash. For me and my girlfriend, it was between the first plane crash and the last tower falling.
Memes
I want to write some jokes about unemployed people, but none of them works.
Your ma is so slow, it took her 9 months to make a joke.
Miscarriage jokes aren't funny, just cut it out.
What do you do when a woman is choking?
Back up a couple inches.
Who cooks in a lesbian relationship?
Neither one of them, they eat out.
What does a cannibal call a wheelchair user?
Fast food.
What do you call a bunny with a bent dick?
Fucks funny.
Cremation. My final hope for a smokin’ hot body!
My son came up to me and said, "Dad, I'm depressed."
I pointed to the spare room and said, "Hang in there, son."
Why are Black people getting stronger?
Because the TVs are getting bigger.
A photon is checking into a hotel.
The bellhop asks him, "Do you have any luggage?"
The photon replies, "Nope, I'm traveling light."
Why do people hate abortion jokes?
It leaves you with an empty feeling inside.
I took my 5 year old son to ride some roller coasters. I think he didn’t like it because I challenged him to a no hands contest.
He said, "But I don’t have any." He wanted to know what dark humor is. Now he knows what it is and what it feels like.
Why don't women parachute naked?
That annoying whistling sound on the way down.
what do you call an American looking at cloud shapes?
Oppenheimer