Humor
A sex addict man meets a rich man around Christmas.
The sex addict asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The sex addict asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The sex addict nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The sex addict thinks about it for a second and replies, "A gold necklace and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The sex addict astutely responds, "This way, if she doesn't like the jewelry she can go f... herself."
A man walks up to a priest. The man says, "I am Jesus Christ." The priest says, "No, you are not my son." The man says, "Follow me." The man walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Jesus Christ, you're back!"
What's an alien's favorite computer key?
The space bar!
Dad: "Son, does mommy like having lady-friends over?"
Son: "Nah, mostly men."
Dad: "Do you think you'd be comfortable telling that to a judge in court?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Cakatoo."
"Cakatoo who?"
"So, you're a Rooster now?"
Why shouldn't you tell a secret in a corn field?
Because they are full of ears!
Now that was a corny joke.
And yes, it was rather a-maize-ing.
What's better than swinging a baby around on a rope?
Stopping it with a shovel.
What do you call an idiotic cow?
A mis-steak!
What if some kid was like, "I'm going to shoot up the school!", and then someone just pulls up with a reverse card?
What do you call a blonde in a freezer?
Her parents called her Cindy, so we should probably continue calling her that. She was supposed to graduate tomorrow.
What do you do after your girlfriend with two broken legs dumps you?
Take her wheelchair, she'll come crawling back.
If your boyfriend doesn't get your fruit puns, you got to let that mango.
What's the difference between my dad and my stepdad?
My stepdad beat my ass before he left.
I guess this is pretty plane.
I am sorry I am just winging it.
Wow, I guess these jokes haven't taken off.
Wow, I just landed that one!
I ate too many temmie flakes... I guess I got a TEMMIE ACHE!!!!
What's the darkest point in the universe?
The inside of a KFC.
My Japanese friend told me a Pearl Harbor joke. I told him he bombed it.
Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump, and Angela Merkel are standing at the shore and are trying to impress each other with the accomplishments of their countries. Putin brags, "We have nuclear submarines which can stay underwater for six weeks without having to resurface!". Trump goes on, "Six weeks? That's nothing. I have the best submarines, they're underwater für at least three months!". Merkel is about to respond, when a giant steel colossus emerges from the sea. A hatch opens, a black uniform appears - "Heil Hitler! We need Diesel."
Break a wine glass: I give you bad luck for a year.
Break a mirror: Funny wine glass, I give you bad luck for 7 years.
Breaking a condom: Haha so funny mirror.
I love fire. My friends love it too. When I set them on fire, they run around and scream. They sometimes get so tired they immediately fall asleep forever. Also, they need a shower.