Humor
I ate too many temmie flakes... I guess I got a TEMMIE ACHE!!!!
What's the darkest point in the universe?
The inside of a KFC.
My Japanese friend told me a Pearl Harbor joke. I told him he bombed it.
Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump, and Angela Merkel are standing at the shore and are trying to impress each other with the accomplishments of their countries. Putin brags, "We have nuclear submarines which can stay underwater for six weeks without having to resurface!". Trump goes on, "Six weeks? That's nothing. I have the best submarines, they're underwater für at least three months!". Merkel is about to respond, when a giant steel colossus emerges from the sea. A hatch opens, a black uniform appears - "Heil Hitler! We need Diesel."
Break a wine glass: I give you bad luck for a year.
Break a mirror: Funny wine glass, I give you bad luck for 7 years.
Breaking a condom: Haha so funny mirror.
I love fire. My friends love it too. When I set them on fire, they run around and scream. They sometimes get so tired they immediately fall asleep forever. Also, they need a shower.
Boys: “Hey, can Billy come out and play baseball?”
Mom: “That’s not funny, you know Billy doesn’t have any arms and legs.”
Boys: “I know, we need a third base.”
What's the most between my uncle and aunt?
My aunt waited until I was 14 to come on my face.
If you are American in the living room, what are you in the bathroom?
Euro-peein'.
Why did the little girl's ice cream melt?
She was on fire.
What did the sand say when it got into a fight with the ocean?
"Oh my God, you're such a beach!"
A man walks into a bar. He takes a seat and asks the barman if he wanted to hear a blonde joke. The barman replies, "Before you tell this joke, I want to tell you something. See the woman over there? She is a black belt in karate, she's blonde. See the bouncer over there? He is also a blonde. See the chick over there with that pool cue? She is also blonde. Also, I have a shotgun behind the bar. I'm blonde. So do you still want to tell your joke?" He replies, "F**k that. I ain't explaining the joke 4 times."
There's 3 things I hate.
1. Jokes
2. Lists
3. Irony.
What is the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?
I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face for my birthday.
Knock knock. Who’s there? Mimi. Mimi who? Mimi’s got cancer.
What is red, bubbling, and scratching at a window?
A baby in the microwave.
They should add an eleventh commandment to the Bible:
Thou shalt not f... altar boys.
What can you say both at a funeral and during sex?
This would be much better if you were alive.
What do you call a dog that's faced backwards?
A god.
A child asks his teacher to go to the toilet.
"Before you go, recite the alphabet," the teacher says.
"a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z"
"Good, but where's the p?"
"Running down my leg."