Humor
People are making apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow.
What’s the difference between a tuna and a tube of glue?
You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna.
What happened to the glue?
I knew you would get stuck on that!
Guess what? Chicken butt.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Anal.
My dad told me to do what he did best, so I left.
I will always remember my dad's last words...
Oh wait, I never knew them.
What has three balls and flies through space?
E.T. the extra testicle.
What do you call a redneck on fire?
A fire cracker.
Why did that fish cross the road?
Just for the halibut (hell of it)!
Don't make Iran jokes. My mom died by a rocket launcher. She was the best sharp shooter in the Iranian army.
So I was sitting on the couch with a woman, and I asked her, "Does this napkin smell like chloroform?"
The Pope and Donald Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leaned towards Trump and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives. Whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!”
Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!”
So the Pope slapped him.
Two kids were sitting at a restaurant. One said, "Could I please have some water? I am feeling a little HORSE." The other said, "Animal Puns? TOUCAN play at that game."
How do you embarrass an archaeologist? You give him a tampon and ask what period it's from.
This is a joke in itself.
I was walking by a prison when I saw a midget in an orange jumpsuit climbing down the fence. When he hit the ground and sneered at me, I said, “Well, that’s a little condescending.”
Why did Timmy fall down the stairs?
Because he fell off his wheelchair.
A skeleton goes sky diving. Doesn't come back in one piece.
This is not a joke.
A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was, "She was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?" The wife replies, "Perform the fucking autopsy!"
I'm better than you in every single way... I even have an extra chromosome.