Humor

So I was sitting on the couch with a woman, and I asked her, "Does this napkin smell like chloroform?"

The Pope and Donald Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leaned towards Trump and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives. Whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!”

Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!”

So the Pope slapped him.

Two kids were sitting at a restaurant. One said, "Could I please have some water? I am feeling a little HORSE." The other said, "Animal Puns? TOUCAN play at that game."

How do you embarrass an archaeologist? You give him a tampon and ask what period it's from.

This is a joke in itself.

I was walking by a prison when I saw a midget in an orange jumpsuit climbing down the fence. When he hit the ground and sneered at me, I said, “Well, that’s a little condescending.”

Why did Timmy fall down the stairs?

Because he fell off his wheelchair.

A skeleton goes sky diving. Doesn't come back in one piece.

This is not a joke.

A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was, "She was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?" The wife replies, "Perform the fucking autopsy!"

I'm better than you in every single way... I even have an extra chromosome.

If a tree had a mouth, wood it bark?

I was really rooting to tell that one.

What did the orphans do when the bombs drop?

They said, "Allahu Akbar."

Do you wanna hear a joke about vegetables? Never mind, it's too corny.

Chuck Norris gets pulled over by a cop, and the cop gets a ticket.

If I busted an egg on your head.... the yolk would be on you... ha ha ha!!!

What's the second to last letter in the alphabet? Y. Cause I wanted to know.

What do you call a Mexican in the zombie apocalypse?

Answer: "Sweet and spicy chicken."

I was going to write a corny joke, but those are a bit too EAR-itating.

Communism jokes aren't funny unless everyone gets it.