Humor
When an asteroid is coming to kill us all:
98.9% of the population: OMG, we're all gonna die!
1% of the population: Eh... I never had any friends anyway.
Alia: ROLL THE INTRO!
What do suicidal people do in their spare time?
Hang out.
The guy who made the knock knock joke deserves a no-bell prize.
I was at a funeral for some kids in a school shooting. I don't understand why everyone was so sad, so I asked a lady, "what's so sad?" and she said "What do you think was running through these kid's heads before they died?" I replied "probably a bullet". She gasped and said "do you have any idea how insensitive that is? What do you think is running through their parent's heads?" I said "probably all the money they're losing from this funeral."
What's the difference between my car and a hooker? I park my car in a garage instead of leaving it on the side of the road.
What do you call a sex offender attending church? A priest.
What's the difference between a dog and a rapist?
At least the rapist adds a bit of foreplay before he starts humping people.
Why did Helen Keller's dog run away? You'd run too if your name was dgergbbfdnbj.
The other day I pushed a Chinese woman off the Golden Gate Bridge. I was Wong on so many levels.
I like my cigars like I like my women: 7 years old and in a burlap sack from Cuba.
Ok, not really racist but still funny.
What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?
Fat, you get fat.
What? Were you expecting a pi joke?
I walked out of the electronic store and saw a midget carrying a big screen TV all by himself. He looked like he needed a hand, so I offered to help.
He said, "This is not a big screen TV, it's a Kindle!!"
Stop making 9/11 jokes, my father died in a plane crash.
Best pilot in Saudi Arabia.
Somebody told me a chemistry joke. I thought it was sodium funny, I slapped my neon that one.
What's the difference between a school bus and my Dad's van?
School buses usually don't have screaming and crying children.
I was going to tell a joke about emos in the sea, but it’s dead in the water.
Why?
What's black, white, and red all over? A penguin in a blender.
What's all fuzzy, warm, and laughing? The person who snapped its neck and put it into the blender.
Why did the chicken cross the road? It was running away from Kernel Sanders.
Hehehe
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a lil' boogie in it ;)