What do you get when you put 2 nuns and a blond on a football field? 2 tight ends and a wide receiver.

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  • I made a joke about putting babies in the microwave and got told I was a disgusting person.

    So from now on I’ll only make baby in the deep fryer jokes.

    Why’d the chicken cross the road?

    To get choked and stroked by Mr. Big Bloke!

    “We’ll choke and stroke, it ain’t no joke!”

    "I'm sorry, Wendy, but I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die."

    If two eagles make a baby and two sparrows make a baby, what makes no baby?

    Two swallows.

    Your hairline and my car go Lighting McQueen speed because he never came back with the milk.

    Me: "What's the difference between an apple and an emo?"

    Friend: "I don't know."

    Me: An apple actually falls from the tree.

    My mom bought me a car, and she called me an ungrateful b*tch because I sat in my wheelchair the whole time.

    The biggest inconvenience in 2001, I thought, was my brother. Turns out it was 9/11. I guess the planes saw him be born and died from how ugly he was. Aluh aluckbar.