Humor

Why did the cat cross the road?

To make a catastrophy on the road.

A priest is struck by lightning and lays hurt on the ground.

When medical crew arrives he denies them, saying, "God will surely save me!"

The medical team tries to help him, but he keeps struggling and eventually dies.

Later in the afterlife, he screams at God, saying, "Why didn't you save me? Am I not dear to you?"

God answered, "B****, I sent you a f***ing ambulance and you denied it!"

So, my sister is a feminist. I asked her, "Do you want to hear a rape joke?" She said no. I still decided to force one down her throat anyway.

Nah c'mon guys, we don't let jokes like this fly around here.

Why do you always high five the emo person? 'Cause you can't just leave them hanging.

Guys, stop telling orphan jokes, soon they're gonna tell they're par... oh wait, never mind, carry on.

The dark side of kid songs:

You got a friend in me... you got a friend in me!

I'm black, and I have a dying family in my basement that hasn't eaten in 2 weeks. They need help.

Btw, it's a joke lol.

What caused Captain Hook's death?

He accidentally used the wrong hand to wipe his ass.

A blind woman told me I had a big penis yesterday.

I think she was pulling my leg.

My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest with a rabid wolf.

So, a man goes to church and is dipped in water three times by a Priest as he says, "From now on your name is Michael, and you will shed your sins of gambling and alcohol."

Soon after, the man heads home and rushes to the fridge to grab a can of beer. He turns on the sink and dips the beer can in the water three times while saying, "From now on you will be known as Not Alcohol."

So I’m riding in the car with my dad and all of a sudden I smell something rank without warning.

My dad starts laughing at me.

Dad: “Son! That must have been an orphan fart! You know why?”

Me: “Why dad?”

Dad: “Because it ain’t got no pop!”

You know it’s called the circle of life? Because there’s no point to it.

Why should you always knock on the fridge door before opening it? In case there's a salad dressing.

Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when you push them down the stairs.

911 jokes usually go over my head.

Then it hits me.

Me: Dark humor jokes are like a mother's love.

Orphan: How come?

Me: You wouldn't get it.

Orphan: . . . .

My cousin is in a wheelchair and wanted to battle.

So I went up a step and said, "It's over Anakin, I have the high ground!"

What did the frog do when his car broke down?

It was toad.