Humor
So, a man goes to church and is dipped in water three times by a Priest as he says, "From now on your name is Michael, and you will shed your sins of gambling and alcohol."
Soon after, the man heads home and rushes to the fridge to grab a can of beer. He turns on the sink and dips the beer can in the water three times while saying, "From now on you will be known as Not Alcohol."
So I’m riding in the car with my dad and all of a sudden I smell something rank without warning.
My dad starts laughing at me.
Dad: “Son! That must have been an orphan fart! You know why?”
Me: “Why dad?”
Dad: “Because it ain’t got no pop!”
You know it’s called the circle of life? Because there’s no point to it.
Why should you always knock on the fridge door before opening it? In case there's a salad dressing.
Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when you push them down the stairs.
911 jokes usually go over my head.
Then it hits me.
Me: Dark humor jokes are like a mother's love.
Orphan: How come?
Me: You wouldn't get it.
Orphan: . . . .
My cousin is in a wheelchair and wanted to battle.
So I went up a step and said, "It's over Anakin, I have the high ground!"
What did the frog do when his car broke down?
It was toad.
Your dad? Oh wait, you don’t have that!
pilot: *over intercom* we're all going to die.
passengers: *start freaking out*
pilot: all of us will one day, no one knows when.
passengers: *sigh with relief*
pilot: but it'll probably be when we hit that mountain.
What do you call a suicide bomber under the water?
A bath bomb.
"My name is Dezz."
Corpses aren’t funny—they’re dead serious.
Your hairline's so far back that Dora the Explorer couldn't find it.
Who said white people can't jump?
Look at the footage from 9/11.
What’s the difference between an orphan and Pikachu?
Pikachu, I choose you!
So, a few hours ago my friend said I need to CUT it out with the s/h jokes... like... it's really not that deep?
Three guys are standing in an alley on an alien planet, and the psycho one says, "However many tits your girl has is how many balls you have!"
The first guy says, "Ha! My girlfriend has six! I'm racked up!" The second guy said, "Eh, I am happy with two balls." The third guy said, "Shit! My girlfriend is flat as fuck!"
A guy listening in enters and says, "Bro, you actually have girlfriends. I do not. Does that mean I have a pussy?"
You know they say, when you get lemons make lemonade... Well, I took that a little bit too literal.
Turns out squeezing your wife's tits as hard as you can hurts them.
But at least lemonade came out!