I don't know why my blind kid is crying, but I think it could be the tacks I put on the couch.
I was shocked when I found out my toaster wasn't waterproof.
5 Little Monkeys jumping on the bed. One fell off and bumped his head. Momma called the doctor and the doctor said... "Wait, why are there mines all over the floor?"
How many dead babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
More than 9 because my basement is still dark.
My wife asked me to please quit singing "Wonderwall" in the shower.
I said, "Maybe."
How does a rapper clean their house?
With a BEAT BRUSH!
What did the dog say when he got its tail caught in the door?
"It won't be long now..."
What is an orphan's least liked meal? Family dinner.
Why can't orphans have a large bag of chips? Because they're family sized.
Is your oven running?
Then you better go catch it!
My sis came up to me and said, "Mom told me to take the trash out for the rest of the year."
"So, uh, you free tomorrow?" 😂
Why can't orphans eat a big bag of crisps?
'Cause it's family size...?!
Why are blinds called blinds?
Because when they aren’t closed, they are blinding!
Why did your father go away?
'Cause he needs da milk.
What did the lampshade say to the light bulb?
You brighten my day.
You’re so short, you could sweep under your bed while standing.
What did Pavol Demitra think before the Yaroslavl plane hit the ground?
"Oh shit, did I leave the stove on at home?"
I couldn't find my cat, and then my pillow started meowing.
I went to take out the trash, could not find you, so I went back in. The next day I found you.
What’s the difference between your wife and a light switch?
I don’t turn on a light switch.
