Household jokes
When your mom comes in at night then sees your... sleeping, but sees something moving, so she gets a chair and whacks it, then she says, "I thought it was a mouse."
I don't know why my blind kid is crying, but I think it could be the tacks I put on the couch.
I was shocked when I found out my toaster wasn't waterproof.
What’s the difference between someone’s wife and a plate?
They both have to stay in the kitchen.
How many dead babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
More than 9 because my basement is still dark.
5 Little Monkeys jumping on the bed. One fell off and bumped his head. Momma called the doctor and the doctor said... "Wait, why are there mines all over the floor?"
How does a rapper clean their house?
With a BEAT BRUSH!
My wife asked me to please quit singing "Wonderwall" in the shower.
I said, "Maybe."
Why can't orphans have a large bag of chips? Because they're family sized.
My sis came up to me and said, "Mom told me to take the trash out for the rest of the year."
"So, uh, you free tomorrow?" 😂
Is your oven running?
Then you better go catch it!
Why can't orphans eat a big bag of crisps?
'Cause it's family size...?!
What is an orphan's least liked meal? Family dinner.
What did the dog say when he got its tail caught in the door?
"It won't be long now..."
My Mom said she's going to kill me if I don't stop using my computer.
Why did your father go away?
'Cause he needs da milk.
What's the difference between me and an orphan's parents?
I actually come back with the milk.
Why are blinds called blinds?
Because when they aren’t closed, they are blinding!
What did Pavol Demitra think before the Yaroslavl plane hit the ground?
"Oh shit, did I leave the stove on at home?"
I couldn't find my cat, and then my pillow started meowing.