Household jokes

Why can’t orphans eat big bags of chips?

Cause they're family size. ✌🏻😂🤣😅🥲

Why can't orphans eat at a family restaurant?

Because there is no family.

Why can't orphans eat chips?

'Cause they're family sized!

A few male neighbors came over to the house to take a shower because, for some reason, their house didn't have water.

A few minutes later, I walk into the shower. I see the male neighbors and Mom taking a shower together. Then I said, "What are you doing?" They all say, "We're taking a shower together so we could save water."

I started beating my washing machine because it wasn't working, my wife started crying.

The other day all those toilet papers came by my house and asked do I have any crack candy. Naw, I don't have no damn crack candy or no crack apples. All I have here in the backyard is a peanut butter crack sandwich. Help yourself, and while you're at it, clean up all the damn doggie dodo that's everywhere. Thank you, Mr. Toilet Papers.

My mom has a policy where if you kill a butterfly, no butter for a week, and if you kill a grub, no grub for a week. She killed a cockroach today. I have some bad news for her.

How do you know when your wife is dead?

The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.

How do you surprise a blind guy? Leave the plunger in the toilet.

Once upon a time, there was a poor man, a middle-class man, and a rich man. They were all talking about how they found happiness in their lives. The rich man said, "I found happiness through money and all of my assets." The middle-class man said, "I found happiness through my steady job and my loving household." The poor man said, "I may not have much, but I find my happiness through the little acts of kindness people show me."

And then the wall fell on them.

What did the dog say when he got its tail caught in the door?

"It won't be long now..."

Why can't the orphan eat Doritos?

They were all family sized!

How do you make a blind girl smile? Leave the plunger in the toilet.

How many babies does it take to change a lightbulb? Well, obviously not 10; my basement's still dark.

I once had a trash can as a girlfriend.

I was ready to break up with her, but all she had to say was, "Please don't dump me!" Then I said, "Sorry, I'm ready to take out the trash."

Instead of walking through the door, the owner of the house broke in through the window.

When he came out, a man standing on the sidewalk walked up to him and asked why he hadn't just walked through the door. The owner responded, "I'm pollo vegetarian, and I really just wanted a bit of food."

When the man looked confused, the owner said, "Windows are nature's vending machine."

I have a stepladder. My real ladder left for milk and never came back.

Why don't I poop Windex? Because I Pledge to do my doodie!

Put some Windex on it.

My wife asked me to please quit singing "Wonderwall" in the shower.

I said, "Maybe."

I have to take out the trash, but I couldn't find you.