Household jokes

I was shocked when I found out my toaster wasn't waterproof.

I don't know why my blind kid is crying, but I think it could be the tacks I put on the couch.

How many dead babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

More than 9 because my basement is still dark.

5 Little Monkeys jumping on the bed. One fell off and bumped his head. Momma called the doctor and the doctor said... "Wait, why are there mines all over the floor?"

What is an orphan's least liked meal? Family dinner.

Why can't orphans eat a big bag of crisps?

'Cause it's family size...?!

What did the dog say when he got its tail caught in the door?

"It won't be long now..."

My sis came up to me and said, "Mom told me to take the trash out for the rest of the year."

"So, uh, you free tomorrow?" 😂

Is your oven running?

Then you better go catch it!

My wife asked me to please quit singing "Wonderwall" in the shower.

I said, "Maybe."

How does a rapper clean their house?

With a BEAT BRUSH!

Why can't orphans have a large bag of chips? Because they're family sized.

My Mom said she's going to kill me if I don't stop using my computer.

Why did your father go away?

'Cause he needs da milk.

I went to take out the trash, could not find you, so I went back in. The next day I found you.

I couldn't find my cat, and then my pillow started meowing.

What's the difference between me and an orphan's parents?

I actually come back with the milk.

What’s the difference between your wife and a light switch?

I don’t turn on a light switch.

What did Pavol Demitra think before the Yaroslavl plane hit the ground?

"Oh shit, did I leave the stove on at home?"

Why are blinds called blinds?

Because when they aren’t closed, they are blinding!