Household jokes

5 Little Monkeys jumping on the bed. One fell off and bumped his head. Momma called the doctor and the doctor said... "Wait, why are there mines all over the floor?"

How do you punish a blind kid?

Rearrange the furniture.

Mom: Go water the plants.

Me: But it’s raining outside.

Mom: Go grab the umbrella.

Me: What???

Ran out of toilet paper, so had to start using lettuce leaves... today was the tip of the iceberg.

My Dad pays a lot of attention to our household and has always had a good eye for detail. He was the one that first noticed that my mother and I have the same ring size.

How many dead babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

More than 9 because my basement is still dark.

How many babies does it take to replace a light bulb? I'm guessing more than 10 cause it's still dark in my basement.

Stephen only died because his wife tripped over the power cord.

When you realize you forgot to mop your room, you hear footsteps.

My mom said, "Take out the trash," and I said, "Okay." The next day she asked, "Where is your sister?" and I said, "In line to get crushed."

Brother: "I can hear you using the vibrator every night, I’m right here if you need help."

Sister: "That’s my f***ing electric toothbrush!"

Brother: "Oh, well the offer still stands."

Are you a toaster?

'Cause I wanna take a bath with you.

My mom has a policy where if you kill a butterfly, no butter for a week, and if you kill a grub, no grub for a week. She killed a cockroach today. I have some bad news for her.

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!