Household jokes

Me and Jesus are really close; he even turns the light on for me when I go pee in the middle of the night. Well, that is what I thought until the fridge was wet.

Don't you hate it when you do the dishes, but then you realize it wasn't the dishes?

How many orphans does it take to change a light bulb?

Obviously more than three because my basement is still dark.

My Dad pays a lot of attention to our household and has always had a good eye for detail. He was the one that first noticed that my mother and I have the same ring size.

Me: Shut up! If you don't shut up, I'm gonna tell your parents!

You: Why? I don't have any.

Why do orphans eat cereal with water?

Their dad did not come back with the milk.

Stephen only died because his wife tripped over the power cord.

Instead of walking through the door, the owner of the house broke in through the window.

When he came out, a man standing on the sidewalk walked up to him and asked why he hadn't just walked through the door. The owner responded, "I'm pollo vegetarian, and I really just wanted a bit of food."

When the man looked confused, the owner said, "Windows are nature's vending machine."

Yesterday I purchased a world map and told my wife to throw a dart, and wherever it lands, I will take her. Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.

There are 4 billion women on earth. Why isn't it clean yet?

What’s one thing you can say during a family dinner and in bed?

"Where are the kids?"

Why can’t orphans eat a big bag of chips?

They are family sized.

Mom: I'm going to the shop. If someone is at the door, don't open it.

Me: Ok.

*Ring*

Me: Opens the door.

Oh sh*t!

Mom: Gets flip flop.

Yeah, she called me "Pledge" because I knocked the dust off it.

How did a man know his wife died?

Dishis start piling up.

What's the difference between a pregnant one and a light bulb?

One you can unscrew.

If you're cleaning a vacuum, aren't you the vacuum cleaner?

I was in class and we had to choose another term for words we use everyday. For kid, I chose "child"; for dog, I chose "pet"; and for wife, I chose "dishwasher."

Mommy, Mommy! Are we dragons?

Shut up and don’t breathe on the drapes.

What company do orphans hate the most?

S. C. Johnson, a family company.