Household

Household jokes

Fridge

    • My wife left a note on the fridge. The note read, "It's not working." I don't know what she's talking about. I opened the fridge, and it worked fine!

    Child

    • How many dead children does it take to change the light in a basement?

    More than ten, apparently.

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    • Household memes

    Brother

    • A boy and his friend were walking down the street.

    Boy 1: "Bro, you still got my Nikes?"

    Boy 2: "Yeah, sorry. I got them dirty."

    Boy 1: "Please clean them, we have school tomorrow."

    Boy 2 got back to his house and decided to clean his friend's shoes. After he finished drying them, he got stuck in his painfully small dryer. Then he remembered his brother needed something from the dryer. So he tried to get out, when his brother came in.

    He came in twice.

    (like if u understand)

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    • Mom

    • My mom said to take out the trash bags, so I did. And the next day, my mom asked, "Where are your sisters?" I said, "In line to get crushed."

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    • Parent

    • Me: Shut up! If you don't shut up, I'm gonna tell your parents!

    You: Why? I don't have any.

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    • Woman

    • I respect woman’s choices... either she wants to cook first, then clean, or she wants to clean first, then cook.

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    • Dog

    • Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to get her poor dog a bone.

    But when she bent over, Rover took over, and gave her a bone of his own.

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    • Help

    • "I need help, George Sink," said Jimmy.

    "What is it?" said George Sink.

    "Can you wash my dishes?" said Jimmy.

    Invasion

    • Shit, if somebody invades America, the Crips and the Bloods are gonna call a truce so that they can get the big toys out and call Geneva achievement. White women would ride into battle riding lions, tigers, and bears while claymore-strapped rhumbas swept the streets. There's a reason Putin keeps threatening to boom boom us with the boom booms and make you see x-rays before you go go.

    We have freaking cannibals still. Hell, we have more guns than people. Dodging bullets has become a rite of passage. Just look at how we raise our kids on caffeine and M16s playing Call of Duty. Then we send them into the warzone known as the American public education system with no weapons. No means to protect themselves other than with their fists. Here Timmy, fight off the bullets with your bare fist and hope you can zig-zag. Hell, the quiet kids in this country start dropping bodies just cause you teased them. The fuck you think's gonna happen when Timmy can't get his damn chicken nuggets and you took his internet out?

    Hell, the gangs in America would no longer make their money off the drugs illegally. They'd be our medics and taking bets on kill shots. Don't even get me started on the unhinged millennials the moment they can't get their mood stabilizers. War crimes would become an art form and we'd run around like we playing Pokemon. GOTTA CATCH 'EM ALL! Americans would turn war crimes into an extreme sport while the military stands back and records it just so they can show the rest of the world the example of why not to fuck with us. Shit, Geneva Convention would turn into a to-do list on every American household fridge. We take that shit so seriously we'd have Comedy Central sending Kevin Hart to tell us rules for engagement. Racism in America would be single-handedly by ended as Billy Bob and Tyrone high five because they think they just unlocked the super secret duck hunt level with foreign paratroopers. Shit somebody please threaten us with a good time. Invade the United States. Let us show you why the first color in our flag is red.