Household jokes
I was in class and we had to choose another term for words we use everyday. For kid, I chose "child"; for dog, I chose "pet"; and for wife, I chose "dishwasher."
Motherhood is a fairytale in reverse. You start in a beautiful gown and end up cleaning everyone's messes.
Mom: I'm going to the shop. If someone is at the door, don't open it.
Me: Ok.
*Ring*
Me: Opens the door.
Oh sh*t!
Mom: Gets flip flop.
Why can’t orphans eat a big bag of chips?
They are family sized.
How do you know when your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
Why can't orphans eat at a family restaurant?
Because there is no family.
What is an orphan's least favorite show?
"Fuller House."
What did the lampshade say to the light bulb?
You brighten my day.
If lint comes from pockets, where does a cockroach come from?
Said the man angered to his wife:
"Now stop the damn suicide tries! Just look at the gas bill!?"
What company do orphans hate the most?
S. C. Johnson, a family company.
Women should have the right to choose whether they want to do cooking or cleaning first.
How did a man know his wife died?
Dishis start piling up.
If you own a gun and you live in the USA, hide your gun upstairs. Biden can't get it.
Biden: *falls over on steps*
What's the difference between me and an orphan's parents?
I actually come back with the milk.
There is an upside to being an orphan.
Every bag of chips is family size.
What do you call a woman covered in mud? A dirty dishwasher.
I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was just a kid.
Oh wait, I'm thinking of...
Chuck Norris has a bear rug in his living room. It's not dead or anything, it's just too scared to move.
Don't you hate it when you do the dishes, but then you realize it wasn't the dishes?