It’s really hard to maintain a good body lately, unless you put it in a freezer.
What was Stephen Hawking's favorite shampoo? Head 'n Shoulders.
What do women and pools have in common?
They both cost a lot of money to maintain for the amount of time you’re inside of them.
A mouse is just like a ball bearing.
Drench them in oil, and they stop squeaking.
How many dead kittens does it take to clog a pool filter? Seven when I tried!
What's the difference between a PC and a 6 year old? I don't have to clean out my PC.
Why do sisters have to be in a relationship? Because you don’t have to worry about your car.
What’s the difference between women and cars?
At least cars retain some of their value after getting wrecked.
How are guys and tile floors alike?
If you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them for years.
How many homeless guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
“You’re telling me there’s change in a lightbulb?”
"OK, son," he says. "It's as easy as counting to 5."
1. Pull down your pants. 2. Pull back your foreskin. 3. Pee in the toilet. 4. Put your foreskin back. 5. Pull up your pants.
From then on, every time the boy goes to the toilet, he counts from 1 to 5. One day, the father noticed his son was taking quite some time in the toilet. He went to check on him and overheard his son saying, "2,4,2,4,2,4,2,4."
Bro, yesterday this bird made the weirdest chirp. It sounded something like this:
"Error code 6, 4, 4, 2, sound: bird call, failed to play, government drone 0, 7, 7, 5 requires maintenance."
Anyone know what bird that is?
What do women and screen doors have in common? The more you bang them, the looser they get.
How do you cut your grass without a lawnmower?
You dye it blue and it will cut itself.
Q: Why don't cars work after you change their wheels?
A: Because they're retired!
There are 4 billion women on earth. Why isn't it clean yet?
How do you make a dishwasher work again?
Smack her ass and say "get back to work!"
Roses are red, Obama is well spoken, I'm sorry sir, but the ice cream machine is broken.
Why couldn’t the toilet paper make it across the road?
It got stuck in a crack.
In about ten days, Stephen Hawking's wheelchair is going to have its first and last service.
