My wife asked me to please quit singing "Wonderwall" in the shower.
I said, "Maybe."
How does a rapper clean their house?
With a BEAT BRUSH!
Why are blinds called blinds?
Because when they aren’t closed, they are blinding!
Why did your father go away?
'Cause he needs da milk.
What did the lampshade say to the light bulb?
You brighten my day.
You’re so short, you could sweep under your bed while standing.
What did Pavol Demitra think before the Yaroslavl plane hit the ground?
"Oh shit, did I leave the stove on at home?"
I couldn't find my cat, and then my pillow started meowing.
I went to take out the trash, could not find you, so I went back in. The next day I found you.
What’s the difference between your wife and a light switch?
I don’t turn on a light switch.
I have to take out the trash, but I couldn't find you.
Your mumma so fat she takes up 4 seats of the sofa.
The other day all those toilet papers came by my house and asked do I have any crack candy. Naw, I don't have no damn crack candy or no crack apples. All I have here in the backyard is a peanut butter crack sandwich. Help yourself, and while you're at it, clean up all the damn doggie dodo that's everywhere. Thank you, Mr. Toilet Papers.
How do you make a blind girl smile? Leave the plunger in the toilet.
Why did the computer catch cold?
It left a window open.
Why can't the orphan eat Doritos?
They were all family sized!
A few male neighbors came over to the house to take a shower because, for some reason, their house didn't have water.
A few minutes later, I walk into the shower. I see the male neighbors and Mom taking a shower together. Then I said, "What are you doing?" They all say, "We're taking a shower together so we could save water."
Your family.
How do you clean ash off a stove with chemicals?
I saw some toilet paper rolls rolling in the wind.
So I called, "Toilet Papers Rolling In!"
