I could never forget my grandfather's last words. "Stop shaking the ladd-"
How do you know if your wife is dead?
Sex is the same, but the dishes keep piling up.
How do you punish a blind kid?
Rearrange the furniture.
I would rather do my own laundry, not my uncle's laundry, because I ain't no damn butler like Alfred from Batman. I don't live in no damn Batcave by Gotham tity.
Being an orphan isn’t all bad.
On the bright side, all your snacks are family sized.
Nothing is lost until Mom can't find it.
What do you call a woman covered in mud? A dirty dishwasher.
Why can’t an orphan eat a bag of chips?
Because it was family size.
There is an upside to being an orphan.
Every bag of chips is family size.
Who do you ask to wipe you? Your butler!
My Dad pays a lot of attention to our household and has always had a good eye for detail. He was the one that first noticed that my mother and I have the same ring size.
Why can't an orphan watch T.V.?
Because it can't find the home button.
How many babies does it take to replace a light bulb? I'm guessing more than 10 cause it's still dark in my basement.
What's the difference between your mom and your dad? One leaves your life to go get milk, and the other cleans up after you, feeds you, and does your laundry.
Said the man angered to his wife:
"Now stop the damn suicide tries! Just look at the gas bill!?"
What’s the difference between someone’s wife and a plate?
They both have to stay in the kitchen.
How many babies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? More than 40 because my basement is still dark.
Cats are like onions; when I cut them, I cry.
When your mom comes in at night then sees your... sleeping, but sees something moving, so she gets a chair and whacks it, then she says, "I thought it was a mouse."
How many babies does it take to change a lightbulb? Well, obviously not 10; my basement's still dark.
