Household jokes
My water was leaking, so I used Flex Tape. Now I don't know where to shower. Thanks, Phil!
How do parents punish a blind kid? They rearrange the furniture.
What's the difference between a pregnant one and a light bulb?
One you can unscrew.
Cats are like onions; when I cut them, I cry.
How many babies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? More than 40 because my basement is still dark.
I'm treated like God when I'm home, I'm usually ignored until someone wants something.
Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex.
They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy.
Your family.
My girlfriend told me the dishwasher was leaking, so I brought home some tampons.
Son: Dad, can I get a girlfriend?
Dad: Son, no, you are only 10, so no.
Son: Dad, I'm leaving to get a girlfriend.
Dad: Son, nooo, you are not my son!
Son: What did you say? *Son slaps the dad.*
Dad: Good, son, goodbye, get out of my home.
Son: Good, you can go move to a new home.
Nothing is lost until Mom can't find it.
Why do orphans eat cereal with water?
Their dad did not come back with the milk.
How many orphans does it take to change a light bulb?
Obviously more than three because my basement is still dark.
What sucks but doesn't suck?
Vacuums!
I believe in a woman's right to choose...
...whether she wants to cook first and then clean or clean first and then cook.
Here's a Song That Describes My Old Life-By-watersharky Productions-
My buddies think I'm on the lake.
Boss thinks I've been sick for days.
And mama's probably on her way
'Cause I ain't picked up the phone.
I've been a million places,
But they're all up in my head.
Over-drinking, overthinking ever since you left.
I've been gone, I've been gone
I've been sittin' on the couch watching TV all day long.
All day long, I've been tryin' to figure out how a good thing went wrong
Faster than that freight train, farther than that airplane
Sadder than a country song.
Headed down that highway, anywhere but my way
Ever since you moved on, I've been gone.
Took a trip down memory lane.
Checked into hotel heartbreak.
Passed rock bottom on the way
Without leaving my living room.
I've been a million places
But they're all up in my head.
Over-drinking, overthinking ever since you left.
I've been gone, I've been gone
I've been sittin' on the couch watching TV all day long.
All day long, I've been tryin' to figure out how a good thing went wrong
Faster than that freight train, farther than that airplane
Sadder than a country song.
Headed down that highway, anywhere but my way
Ever since you moved on, I've been gone.
Yeah
I've been gone.
All the clothes are on the floor
All the mail's by the door
All the whiskey bottles in my bed.
All the dishes in the sink
All the gas is in the tank
All the neighbors probably think I'm dead.
I've been gone, I've been gone
I've been sittin' on the couch watching TV all day long.
All day long, I've been tryin' to figure out how a good thing went wrong
Faster than that freight train, farther than that airplane
Sadder than a country song.
Headed down that highway, anywhere but my way
Ever since you moved on, I've been gone (ooh, ooh)
I've been gone (ooh, ooh)
Gone
My wife asked me to please quit singing "Wonderwall" in the shower.
I said, "Maybe."
Why don't I poop Windex? Because I Pledge to do my doodie!
Put some Windex on it.
What's red and bubbly and scratches at the microwave glass?
A baby in the microwave!
What is an orphan's least favorite show?
"Fuller House."