Household jokes
Why can't orphans have a big bag of chips?
Because they're family sized!
A: What's the difference between a toilet and a washing basin?
B: I don't know.
A: Then I guess your house looks beautiful...
B: ...
Pro marriage tip: Let your wife know you’re all about women’s rights. There’s no reason she needs to talk that much; it’s not like replying to her is voice activated.
How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?
Must be more than 9, my basement is still dark!
I could never forget my grandfather's last words. "Stop shaking the ladd-"
How do you know if your wife is dead?
Sex is the same, but the dishes keep piling up.
Nothing is lost until Mom can't find it.
Being an orphan isn’t all bad.
On the bright side, all your snacks are family sized.
How do you punish a blind kid?
Rearrange the furniture.
Why can’t an orphan eat a bag of chips?
Because it was family size.
I would rather do my own laundry, not my uncle's laundry, because I ain't no damn butler like Alfred from Batman. I don't live in no damn Batcave by Gotham tity.
There is an upside to being an orphan.
Every bag of chips is family size.
Why can't an orphan watch T.V.?
Because it can't find the home button.
Who do you ask to wipe you? Your butler!
How many babies does it take to replace a light bulb? I'm guessing more than 10 cause it's still dark in my basement.
What's the difference between your mom and your dad? One leaves your life to go get milk, and the other cleans up after you, feeds you, and does your laundry.
How many babies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? More than 40 because my basement is still dark.
What’s the difference between someone’s wife and a plate?
They both have to stay in the kitchen.
Said the man angered to his wife:
"Now stop the damn suicide tries! Just look at the gas bill!?"
Cats are like onions; when I cut them, I cry.