Household jokes
When your mom comes in at night then sees your... sleeping, but sees something moving, so she gets a chair and whacks it, then she says, "I thought it was a mouse."
Being an orphan isn’t all bad.
On the bright side, all your snacks are family sized.
When your parents ask you to take out the trash, you knock out your brother, put him in a closet, and when your parents ask where he is, you say, "I took him out like you said."
A salesman rings the doorbell and Little Johnny answers. Salesman: “Can I see your dad?” Johnny: “No, he’s in the shower.” Salesman: “What about your mother? Can I see her?” Johnny: “Nope. She’s in the shower, too.” Salesman: “Do you think they’ll be out soon?” Johnny: “Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him super glue instead.”
A few male neighbors came over to the house to take a shower because, for some reason, their house didn't have water.
A few minutes later, I walk into the shower. I see the male neighbors and Mom taking a shower together. Then I said, "What are you doing?" They all say, "We're taking a shower together so we could save water."
I once had a trash can as a girlfriend.
I was ready to break up with her, but all she had to say was, "Please don't dump me!" Then I said, "Sorry, I'm ready to take out the trash."
Who do you ask to wipe you? Your butler!
What's red and bubbly and scratches at the microwave glass?
A baby in the microwave!
My dad smashed my PS5, so I smashed his wife.
There are 4 billion women on earth. Why isn't it clean yet?
Why did your father go away?
'Cause he needs da milk.
Mommy, Mommy! Are we dragons?
Shut up and don’t breathe on the drapes.
Why can't orphans have a big bag of chips?
Because they're family sized!
What's big and white and can't climb trees?
A fridge.
Bleach solves so many problems: stains, dirty dishes, messes, and overpopulation.
I told my mum the refrigerator was running, so she got dressed and ran after it...
What’s another name for cumming inside a woman?
Loading the dishwasher.
How many dead children does it take to change the light in a basement?
More than ten, apparently.
How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow plow?
Give her a shovel.
My girlfriend told me the dishwasher was leaking, so I brought home some tampons.