Household jokes
Brother: "I can hear you using the vibrator every night, I’m right here if you need help."
Sister: "That’s my f***ing electric toothbrush!"
Brother: "Oh, well the offer still stands."
Chuck Norris has a bear rug in his living room. It's not dead or anything, it's just too scared to move.
I have a stepladder. My real ladder left for milk and never came back.
Why can't an orphan have milk?
His dad didn't come back with the milk.
Is your oven running?
Then you better go catch it!
what's another name for cumming inside of a woman?
loading the dishwasher.
Why can't orphans have a large bag of chips? Because they're family sized.
Nothing is lost until Mom can't find it.
What’s the difference between a puppy and a fork?
I don’t microwave forks.
What’s the difference between someone’s wife and a plate?
They both have to stay in the kitchen.
The maid asked her boss, the wife, for a raise, and the wife was upset.
The wife asked, "Why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"
Maid: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Maid: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Maid: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Maid: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Maid: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."
Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"
Maid: "No, the gardener did."
Wife: "So how much do you want?"
Me: Shut up! If you don't shut up, I'm gonna tell your parents!
You: Why? I don't have any.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine! Lol.
What's the difference between a pregnant one and a light bulb?
One you can unscrew.
My mom told me to take out the trash, but I couldn't find you.
Where do orphans shop for home appliances?
If dust mites are found in dust, bedbugs are found in beds, where are cockroaches found in?
How many orphans does it take to change a light bulb?
Obviously more than three because my basement is still dark.
Yeah, she called me "Pledge" because I knocked the dust off it.
Your mumma so fat she takes up 4 seats of the sofa.