New Household Jokes

How do parents punish a blind kid? They rearrange the furniture.

what's another name for cumming inside of a woman?

loading the dishwasher.

The maid asked her boss, the wife, for a raise, and the wife was upset.

The wife asked "Why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Maid: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Maid: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Maid: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Maid: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Maid: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."

Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"

Maid: "No, the gardener did."

Wife: "So how much do you want?"

Said the man angered to his wife: Now stopp the dann suicide trys! Just look at the gasbill!?

Motherhood is a fairytale in reverse. You start in a beautiful gown end up cleaning everyone's messes.

HOW DID A MAN KNOW HIS WIFE DIED DISHIS START PILIENG UP

What's big and white and can't climb trees?

A fridge.

Shit if somebody invades America the Crips and the Bloods are gonna call a truce so that they can get the big toys out and call Geneva achievement. White women would ride into battle riding lions, tigers, and bears while claymore-strapped rhumbas swept the streets. There's a reason Putin keeps threatening to boom boom us with the boom booms and make you see x-rays before you go go. We have freaking cannibals still. Hell, we have more guns than people. Dodging bullets have become a rite of passage. Just look at how we raise our kids on caffeine and M16s playing Call of Duty. Then we send them into the warzone known as the American public education system with no weapons. No means to protect themselves other than with their fists. Here Timmy, fight off the bullets with your bare fist and hope you can zig-zag. Hell, the quiet kids in this country start dropping bodies just cause you teased them. The fuck you think's gonna happen when Timmy can't get his damn chicken nuggets and you took his internet out? Hell the gangs in America would no longer make their money off the drugs illegally. They'd be our medics and taking bets on kill shots. Don't even get me started on the unhinged millennials the moment they can't get their mood stabilizers. War crimes would become an art form and we'd run around like we playing Pokemon. GOTTA CATCH 'EM ALL! Americans would turn war crimes into an extreme sport while the military stands back and records it just so they can show the rest of the world the example of why not to fuck with us. Shit Geneva Convention would turn into a to-do list on every American household fridge. We take that shit so seriously we'd have comedy central sending Kevin Hart to tell us rules for engagement. Racism in America would be single-handedly by ended as Billy Bob and Tyrone high five because they think they just unlocked the super secret duck hunt level with foreign paratroopers. Shit somebody please threaten us with a good time. Invade the united states. Let us show you why the first color in our flag is red.

my mum said take out the trash so I took my sister

I sold my vacuum the other day. All I got was dust and my moms wig

How many children does it take to change a lightbulb.

Not 15, as my basements still dark

Women should have the right to choose whether they want to do cooking or cleaning first.

Q: What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?

A: You slap her.

I respect woman’s choices....either she wants to cook first, then clean or is she wants to clean first the cook

I believe in a woman's right to choose...

...whether she wants to cook first and then clean or clean first and then cook.

My Dad pays a lot of attention to our household and has always had a good eye for detail. He was the one that first noticed that my mother and I have the same ring size.

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!Lol